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Old 11-11-2009, 13:58   #1226
Lone_Wolfe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cphilip View Post
If Grand baby Pictures will add any brightness to your day (and any others) here are some of mine.


Thank you (and all other veterans) for your service in protecting this little boy...

Awwwwwwww What a little cutie! Thank you cphilip.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 11-11-2009, 14:02   #1227
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....
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Old 11-11-2009, 14:06   #1228
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Thank you for your service Lone_Wolfe

Looks like it's getting late over there so good night to you.




ATOY
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Old 11-11-2009, 14:09   #1229
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Happy Veterans day LW honey
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Old 11-11-2009, 16:13   #1230
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Indeed, Happy Veterans Day Sister.

Still praying daily for your complete recovery.
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Old 11-11-2009, 16:14   #1231
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DustyJacket View Post
Don't be formal. Call me Dusty. Everyone does.
OK. Hiya Dusty! Good to see you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by faawrenchbndr View Post
Yep,.......it will be a long tough journey. But I believe you can make it.
You have the hardest part behind you, now you have to accept what
happened and go on with life.

You can not change what happened. The Fargin Icehole would have
shot someone else if not you. It was just bad timming. However, you
had the will to survive,....and a few people pulling for you.

Like I said before,......you are one of many "shinning stars" in a sky
of uncertainty. You have inspired people, your drive and determination
are very inspiring.

Yes, you have obsticles you must navagate around on the trip to
your "well being" but we don't we all? : dunno:

: hugs:

...
I was talking to my shrink today and among other things she said that right now Iím still getting used to being in the Borrowed Time club and that right now I'm ďsweeping everything else under the rugĒ. I said I didnít think that was a bad thing because I really needed relief from the pressure cooker of emotional pain Iíve been feeling for months. Much to my surprise she actually agreed with me. She said I really should enjoy this time for as long as it lasted because it wouldnít last long. (I hope sheís wrong) She said it may last an hour, or maybe even a week, but soon all the survivorís guilt and PTSD related stuff in me will come rushing back. That Iíve had to stuff so much of that inside and not deal with it just so I could get past the nightmares that it was festering inside me. Iím really just feeling a sense of relief at having finally made what seems like real progress. I wish it could last but that does seem unrealistic.

I told her what some of you have said to me in here about this and she said that some people that get a second chance really do find a way to use it to help others and she thought I might turn into one of those people. That would be nice. Thereís really no other way I can repay the people who saved me. And I do know it took the medic and some doctors working their tails off. Them having to do CPR on me several times tells me that I gave up several times and they decided I was going to stick around anyway. Whether I liked it or not. Ha-ha And if I find a way to repay all of you for what youíre doing for me I will.


Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
Every good engineer knows.

A strong foundation starts at rock bottom.


Perhaps, you have finally found yours. And can build from here.

I thought of this again today. As I was leaving the hospital after waking up this morning I felt like I've finally taken a step off the bottom in the last several days and finally that steps feels solid. Over the last several months I think Iíve been just bouncing around on that bottom, sometimes starting to improve and then slipping right back down. I wonder, does having spent that much time on the bottom mean itís even more solid that it would be otherwise?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tow/Repo View Post
Thank you for your service Lone_Wolfe : patriot:

Looks like it's getting late over there so good night to you.

ATOY
Thank you Tow/Repo.
I just wanted you to know that seeing that prayers in your sig line brings a tear to my eye, and I really think it's starting to work. Im hoping to get some sleep tonight although that hasn't happened yet.


Think I'll try again and hope.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-11-2009, 16:29   #1232
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Sounds good! Sleep well....
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Old 11-11-2009, 16:52   #1233
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Nice to hear you from you. My DSL service has been on the fritz.
Seems they may have gotten it fixed,......

Will try and send you a pm tomorrow. Hope you get some peaceful sleep,
if even for a short time.

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Old 11-11-2009, 16:55   #1234
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
........ I wonder, does having spent that much time on the bottom mean itís even more solid that it would be otherwise?
.
Perhaps.
PM to you





ATOY's prayer is lovely.


Quote:
Short prayer for our friend Lone_Wolfe

Lord please provide a blessing, a miracle, and end to this pain. I pray Jesus that you would provide a pleasant night sleep and rest where there is worry. Jesus help this woman find strength, and peace--calm her heavy heart and mind, and bless her dreams. Amen
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Old 11-11-2009, 19:44   #1235
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DustyJacket View Post
Sounds good! Sleep well....
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it.


Happy Thursday Morning from Baghdad.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-11-2009, 20:04   #1236
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Old 11-11-2009, 22:50   #1237
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Yay, three hours of sleep!!! You are gaining.
Gosh, I admire you, LW. You are pushing right through all of the sludge...do you know how many people just bury their sludge? You are facing it, taking it on and you are winning. You are inspiring me to perhaps do the same. I have been a buryer my whole life. If it bothers or hurts me, I bury it. What you are doing is so much healthier, just getting it out and dealing with it. The thought of that terrifies me. You will always be my hero for showing such determination, integrity and fearlessness (not meaning you aren't afraid, but you are pushing through your fears and facing them.) You are a precious girl. God is sooooooooo answering prayers!!!
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Old 11-12-2009, 01:27   #1238
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More kisses for ya sweetheart
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Old 11-12-2009, 01:27   #1239
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Some hugs also baby doll
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Old 11-12-2009, 02:29   #1240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it.


Happy Thursday Morning from Baghdad.
Hello my dear; it sounds like you have turned the corner in regards to the nightmares. That makes very many of us on this board so very happy. You are more of an inspiration than you know. Gentle hugs my dear.
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Old 11-12-2009, 02:54   #1241
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what happened? well.... hope you feel better soon!
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Old 11-12-2009, 05:30   #1242
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it.


Happy Thursday Morning from Baghdad.
Better watch that! Sleep isn't good for your insomnia!
















































It is however, GREAT for the rest of you.

And pretty great for us to hear!!!

Love, prayers and gentle

Hawk
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Old 11-12-2009, 08:49   #1243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Well I slept for 3 hours, that's more than I been getting so I'll take it......
Out-flippin'-standing!
That is awesome to hear,.....how are you doing otherwise?
Weather ok? Son-in-Law made it home Wednesday for his mid-tour.
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Old 11-12-2009, 09:17   #1244
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slobberchops View Post
Hey Slobberchops


Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
Perhaps.
PM to you

ATOY's prayer is lovely.
Got your PM, yes Iíd like to hear those stories. And back.
And I agree about the prayer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bumpadrum View Post
Indeed, Happy Veterans Day Sister.

Still praying daily for your complete recovery.
Youíre not the only one praying, and I thank you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Glock26girl View Post
Yay, three hours of sleep!!! You are gaining.
Gosh, I admire you, LW. You are pushing right through all of the sludge...do you know how many people just bury their sludge? You are facing it, taking it on and you are winning. You are inspiring me to perhaps do the same. I have been a buryer my whole life. If it bothers or hurts me, I bury it. What you are doing is so much healthier, just getting it out and dealing with it. The thought of that terrifies me. You will always be my hero for showing such determination, integrity and fearlessness (not meaning you aren't afraid, but you are pushing through your fears and facing them.) You are a precious girl. God is sooooooooo answering prayers!!! : hugs:
Hey Iím a buryer too, I never wanted to face all this crap! It hurts way too much, Iíd much rather push it aside and ignore it. Problem is it was just so much that I couldnít. I canít even function like a normal person these days because of it. Between having to be knocked out in order to sleep and the sometimes crying non-stop and the crazy PTSD induced reactions to people around me. Not to mention the times when I didnít know who or where I was. What all that means is I have no choice but to face it if I ever hope to be a productive member of society again. Hell, I donít even have that much choice, itís coming out anyway.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-12-2009, 09:22   #1245
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Last edited by Geeorge; 02-05-2010 at 03:13..
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Old 11-12-2009, 10:17   #1246
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Geeorge View Post
Hope you be Ok dear



I'm working on that part, hon.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-12-2009, 13:21   #1247
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter95 View Post
what happened? well.... hope you feel better soon!
Got a while?



Quote:
Originally Posted by faawrenchbndr View Post
Out-flippin'-standing!
That is awesome to hear,.....how are you doing otherwise?
Weather ok? Son-in-Law made it home Wednesday for his mid-tour.
Glad to hear he got in safe! Hope he enjoys his time at home. I'm doing OK today, just kind of not letting myself think of much. Weather has been dry and unchanging for a few days now, thankfully. The physical therapy makes me hurt enough from where they're trying to improve my breathing. I don't need foul weather making it worse.. I cleared some space in my inbox for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
Hello my dear; it sounds like you have turned the corner in regards to the nightmares. That makes very many of us on this board so very happy. You are more of an inspiration than you know. Gentle hugs my dear.
I sure hope Iíve turned the corner. This doesnít feel like itís just a break so Iím hopeful. I donít expect the nightmares to go away completely with the stuff I still have to deal with, but I can wish for that too. It really makes me feel good to come here and read comments like yours. Brings a tear to my eye. Thank you, my friend.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RottnJP View Post
I agree with BH on your dream, and his words of wisdom. Detached determination is a great way to describe what those combat docs have to manage... I don't how they manage to do it, patient after patient... Hard enough when the damage is done by an accident, let alone when every brutalized patient is a kid that someone deliberately bloodied, maimed, or destroyed... God bless them. It may feel cold and detached, but that's the only way I think they can keep from going totally insane with what man is capable of doing to other people's kids...

And yes, I also agree with BH software people can be odd, and I would add that they can smell funny if they stay in the computer lab too long (which they often do, at least in school.) But they *are* emminently logical, and I think that logic is very helpful in wading through & understanding emotional turmoil sometimes. And then there are those times my wife tells me to quit being a GD fixer and just listen... I don't do the "just listen" thing well- Listen-and-fix, Listen-and-fix: That's what I do. "If you don't need your problem fixed, don't tell me about it, cuz ima fix your GD'ed problem, woman!" ;-) But I digress...

The "Borrowed Time Club" is a funny thing. Two-time member myself. Once after being attacked by 8 ****bags, including having my skull cracked by a 2x4 (which explains some things) and when that didn't work, knifed a couple times. But by then my buddies were becoming aware of what was going on, and wading into the fray... And there's something tremendously empowering about coming through the far side of that. In my case, knowing that I held the field of battle, still standing, while they fled... Well, it's hard for anybody to drag me down in the business world now-a-days, because I've been through worse and I'm still ****ing standing.

Take some of that away- You have been on a ride/journey through the deepest, darkest parts of your soul, and are in the process of coming out the other side. Don't expect to ever be the "same" person- To attempt that would be immensely frustrating. But you may find a sort of peace and inner power and dignity that you can hold onto in your core for the rest of your life.

One of the fears my nightmares surfaced was of powerlessness and victimization. Being unable to act as I was surrounded and knifed over and over, in graphic 1st-person detail, was one of them. Part of getting past that was taking control of that fear- Acknowledging it for what it was, and after an appropriate time to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons, getting trained and armed.

In your case, I'm not sure your dream is calling for as much action on your part, as it is acceptance. Perhaps moving through that illusion of total independence/self-sufficiency and into a greater understanding of our inter-conected-ness and inter-dependence, which is a frightening thing. It sort of sounds like that's where you may, in fact, be going now. But, that's just my take based on the snapshot we see a world away, here...

I pray that you may find that place of inner strength and peace where the troubles of the world, and the noise of life, will have a harder time shaking your core, and your foundations remain secure in the knowledge of who you are, and what you are capable of... Lady_Wolfe, Princess_Wolfe, hold your head high- For you, too, are still standing.
Detached determination seems like a perfect description of what they had to be, especially the ones that treated me at first. It makes sense that the people that took care of me as I was recuperating in the hospital would be more accessible. They didnít have to wonder if their hard work was going to be in vain yet again. Now when you talk about having to take care of an abused child, wow, I donít know if I could handle that
You are both software people, Iím a software and hardware person, so I understand the need to ďfixĒ a problem when I encounter it. Thatís part of why all this can be so frustrating to me. I canít just look into my brain and click a few configuration settings and have it work again.

You came through your close call differently, but let me say Iím really glad you did. A shrink I had a few months explained it to me as the difference between ďcould have been killedĒ and ďalmost killedĒ. If your situation you managed to somehow get through it on your feet, although injured. By your own wits and skill you managed to avoid possible fatal injury. That would make me feel empowered too. In my case empowered is not really the word for what I feel. Lucky maybe. Surprised, even. As Iíve mentioned ďman and machineĒ, and I have to realize that had there been a weak link in that chain there wouldnít have been a thing I could do besides die. I mean I tried to do that several times anyway. If anything I feel just the opposite of empowered. But right now Iím not sure if thatís a bad thing.

I can understand about not coming out the same person. I went home in June for a couple weeks and while I was there I felt like I was living in someone elseís life and home. Even my friends seemed different to me. Of course that was compounded by the drugs I was on and the fact that I was hiding my problems from everyone except my friend who posts here as Silent_Runner because I donít want the rest to know. But even without that I could tell that I didnít fit the mold of who I used to be. And yeah, itís pretty dark in here.

Those dreams did force acceptance, because there was no action I could take. Iíve always preferred to either fix my own problems or know that someone was going to handle it for me if I couldnít. In this case I didnít have that luxury. Itís kind of scary to think that I was completely dependent on someone on someone who could have been less skilled or less determined and persevering. If either had been the caseÖÖ. Iím struggling with the concept in finding strength in the accepting of weakness and dependence on others. I guess I havenít figured that one out yet. I think Iíve made at least some peace with joining the Borrowed Time Club, but donít feel any strength from it. But itís true that I am still standing and thatís a start.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
Better watch that! Sleep isn't good for your insomnia! : rofl:

It is however, GREAT for the rest of you. : milestone:

And pretty great for us to hear!!!: cool:

Love, prayers and gentle hugs
Hawk
Iíll take 3 hours over what I got before, even if I do still wake up crying. Thatís what Mandyís for. And again last night I got the feeling I was hiding from whatever it was about. Strange, I know. But kind of fits with my trying to push things away at least for a little while. Itís like the dream was warning me that theyíre still here and waiting for me. But for now I' don't care, they can just wait.


Speaking of waiting, they're waiting for me to get my tired arse to the hospital for some serious ZZZZZZZZZZ's. Nite.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-12-2009, 15:17   #1248
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...my hot tub story got another victim yesterday
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Old 11-12-2009, 17:05   #1249
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Old 11-12-2009, 17:12   #1250
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