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Old 10-25-2009, 06:07   #961
Brown Hawk
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You know, I've been wondering since you first posted it, how in the heck that medic got from A'stan to Baghdad. To say that it is unusual is way out in left field. Medics are attached to units, and units don't switch theaters like that.

Seems like an act of God to me, just when you (and maybe he) needed one.

Just a thought.

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:07   #962
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
Reality is always scary - if you've got any sense. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Once we start accepting, the scary can be controlled, because we're not afraid of being afraid, we are afraid of something tangible. We can always handle the tangible, given time. So not only does it make sense, it's actually very normal.

That's the second time in two days I've called you normal. This could get to be a habit.

Easy? No. Right track? You'd better believe it.

Love and prayers and lots of

Hawk
Some reality is scarier than others, but I just donít understand why I would be so afraid of having almost died. I mean, it didnít happen. And Iíve always had the mindset of ďWhen itís my time itís my time. Is it possible that Iím more afraid because I lived instead of going ahead and dying? I just donít understand so much of this crap inside my head.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Iíve never really understood why we should be afraid of fear itself if fear can be a good thing at times. Now I realize in my case itís been overwhelming and debilitating, but I mean normal fear. BTW, the only reason you call me normal is because youíve never met me.
<--- even the docs say thatÖ

I sure hope Iím on the right track. Iíve sure taken some wrong turns in the last several months.

Lots of love and thanks and
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:10   #963
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
You know, I've been wondering since you first posted it, how in the heck that medic got from A'stan to Baghdad. To say that it is unusual is way out in left field. Medics are attached to units, and units don't switch theaters like that.

Seems like an act of God to me, just when you (and maybe he) needed one.

Just a thought.

Hawk
Actually I think that answer may be a bit more mundane. It's been over 10 months and I think he was real close to the end of that deployment. I suspect he volunteered for another and got sent here.

But I won't rule God out, after all, I wasn't supposed to switch theatres either.
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:32   #964
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Some reality is scarier than others, but I just donít understand why I would be so afraid of having almost died. I mean, it didnít happen. And Iíve always had the mindset of ďWhen itís my time itís my time. Is it possible that Iím more afraid because I lived instead of going ahead and dying? I just donít understand so much of this crap inside my head. No matter how well prepared we think we are, or how accepting, we are never really ready all the way. When my mom had dementia, and was so far gone we were praying for the Lord to take her, we still weren't prepared for her going home. So part guilt "I wasn't really prepared", part shock at the sheer reality of it, and a LOT of real pain getting past it

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Iíve never really understood why we should be afraid of fear itself if fear can be a good thing at times. Now I realize in my case itís been overwhelming and debilitating, but I mean normal fear. BTW, the only reason you call me normal is because youíve never met me.
<--- even the docs say thatÖ

I sure hope Iím on the right track. Iíve sure taken some wrong turns in the last several months.

Lots of love and thanks and
Fear of fear is really an irrational fear, being so afraid to do something that nothing gets done. A thousand possibilities, most of them mutually exclusive, becoming overwhelming and debilitating. A problem that seems too big and overwhelming that we can't think rationally about it.

A rational fear is a fear of something - the gang-banger walking down the street, fire, that crazy driver who's all over the road. Those can be handled with preparation and thought. You're not afraid of anything, you're afraid of something tangible, and with the tangible we can start to cope. That big and overwhelming problem suddenly has a piece break off that we CAN handle, and suddenly the problem is no longer so big and overwhelming.

As far as normal, you are acting and reacting, especially now, in a normal and human manner. Your reactions got delayed and elongated by the drugs early on, so they are coming out now.

As for what the docs think, remember that we're on GlockTalk, and most of them would say the same about everybody here.

Love, prayers and

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:40   #965
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
...

I wasn't supposed to switch theatres either.
My point exactly.

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:42   #966
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Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
My point exactly.

Hawk
But then according to that medic (and numerous others) I'm not supposed to be "this side of a tombstone" either....
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:47   #967
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
But then according to that medic (and numerous others) I'm not supposed to be "this side of a tombstone" either....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
My point exactly.

Hawk
Same answer.

Hawk

Still with love, prayers and
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Old 10-25-2009, 07:16   #968
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
No matter how well prepared we think we are, or how accepting, we are never really ready all the way. When my mom had dementia, and was so far gone we were praying for the Lord to take her, we still weren't prepared for her going home. So part guilt "I wasn't really prepared", part shock at the sheer reality of it, and a LOT of real pain getting past it

Fear of fear is really an irrational fear, being so afraid to do something that nothing gets done. A thousand possibilities, most of them mutually exclusive, becoming overwhelming and debilitating. A problem that seems too big and overwhelming that we can't think rationally about it.

A rational fear is a fear of something - the gang-banger walking down the street, fire, that crazy driver who's all over the road. Those can be handled with preparation and thought. You're not afraid of anything, you're afraid of something tangible, and with the tangible we can start to cope. That big and overwhelming problem suddenly has a piece break off that we CAN handle, and suddenly the problem is no longer so big and overwhelming.

As far as normal, you are acting and reacting, especially now, in a normal and human manner. Your reactions got delayed and elongated by the drugs early on, so they are coming out now.

As for what the docs think, remember that we're on GlockTalk, and most of them would say the same about everybody here.

Love, prayers and

Hawk

That is something Iíve heard before, but never really thought about. Maybe we donít until it hitís home. Many years ago I lost a husband in a car accident, and even thou up until that moment I never thought it could happen to him I guess somehow I still never thought or even cared if it happened to me. I still think to myself that I donít care if I die tomorrow, but maybe some part of me does care for whatever reason.
I know Iím not really ďright with GodĒ, but I donít think thatís the reason.

Iíve been so afraid I couldnít do a thing, and not known what I was afraid of. Thatís happened a lot in these last 10 months and is still happening. This morning I was like that for hours. I just sat there crying and shaking but didnít know why. Times like that I donít come around here. You folks wouldnít want to read that stuff.

The tangible fears I have too, and sometimes I have both. Right now even rational fears seem so overwhelming, I think because of the drugs, like weíve said. I really didnít know how bad they were messing me up until Iíve been off them a while. I was reading some stuff I posted then and then I read some stuff I wrote and am glad I didnít post. Iím beginning to see how my reactions werenít just delayed, they were distorted. I had thoughts and did things that I would never have done before, even when bad things happened to me. I still do, but I wonder why I never had such twisted thoughts before.

Your comment about having a piece break off that we can handle seems correct. I asked my shrink today what would happen if I really have accepted having almost dies and her response was, ďWell, you have several issues. Thatís one down if itís trueĒ.

So are you saying Glocktalk makes us crazy? Or do we have to be crazy to join Glocktalk?

back
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Old 10-25-2009, 07:41   #969
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Yes, you do care if you die tomorrow. You wouldn't have fought so hard otherwise. Still confused about a lot of things, but not about that. not deep down where it counts.

I think you're mostly past your "fear of fear", and the crying this morning is more the flood of emotion that you have had blocked up for months. You may not know why you are crying, but the fact that you are crying is getting you there. And yes, drugs tend to distort and worse - hold off - feelings. That's been part of your problem.

Yes, rational problems can seem to be overwhelming, but since they are rational, they are eventually subject to rational answers. And we are more likely to be able to get to work on them - given time.

If you need to write and get it out, do so. You can PM it to me if needed. I don't come here for you to cheer me up, although your continued progress is doing so.

As far as the docs, I'm saying they're crazy because most of them think people with guns are crazy.

I've got to get going now, but I should be back on around 2000 your time, noon here.

Love, prayers, and

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 07:47   #970
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
Same answer.

Hawk

Still with love, prayers and

Some of you folks make it sound like the Man Upstairs really had something in mind for me to keep me here. I hope it involves repaying all of your's kindnesses.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:26   #971
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Some of you folks make it sound like the Man Upstairs really had something in mind for me to keep me here. I hope it involves repaying all of your's kindnesses.
You have already given us more than we could ever ask for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
But then according to that medic (and numerous others) I'm not supposed to be "this side of a tombstone" either....
Ma'am i have a strong feeling you were meant to be here. As you said, perhaps The Big Guy has plans for you. Things do happen for a reason.
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:44   #972
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I've got a little more time now, so let me go into a little more detail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
That is something Iíve heard before, but never really thought about. Maybe we donít until it hitís home. Many years ago I lost a husband in a car accident, and even thou up until that moment I never thought it could happen to him I guess somehow I still never thought or even cared if it happened to meYou probably had the thought cross your mind, but we have other priorities that are much more likely to happen that take up our thoughts. . I still think to myself that I donít care if I die tomorrow, but maybe some part of me does care for whatever reason.
I know Iím not really ďright with GodĒ, but I donít think thatís the reason.
As for dying tomorrow, there was a study done in WWII about the deaths of sailors after torpedoings. Young, healthy sailors, who would be expected to live died, while those older, in not as good physical shape would survive the most terrible times in the water and lifeboats. They found that the older people had lived enough to realize that bad things could happen, and you just have to "keep on truckin'". Sometimes they lived for the reason that they "weren't going to give the *opposite side* the "satisfaction" of them dying (Sound familiar?). The youngsters while generally optimistic, would die because they didn't have enough experience in bad stuff, so thought no one could live through what they were going through, gave up and died.

Gives some backing to the "too old and ornery to die" idea. :supergrin : (darn 5 smilie limit : steamed :


Iíve been so afraid I couldnít do a thing, and not known what I was afraid of. Thatís happened a lot in these last 10 months and is still happening. This morning I was like that for hours. I just sat there crying and shaking but didnít know why. Times like that I donít come around here. You folks wouldnít want to read that stuff. Again, it may help you to write it, no matter if you send it. Maybe even show it to your doctor.

The tangible fears I have too, and sometimes I have both. Right now even rational fears seem so overwhelming, I think because of the drugs, like weíve said. I really didnít know how bad they were messing me up until Iíve been off them a while. I was reading some stuff I posted then and then I read some stuff I wrote and am glad I didnít post. Iím beginning to see how my reactions werenít just delayed, they were distorted. I had thoughts and did things that I would never have done before, even when bad things happened to me. I still do, but I wonder why I never had such twisted thoughts before. It's a fact that not dreaming will cause a LOT of problems. The drugs prevented that. Your mind tries to relieve the pressure, so guess what happens. (Only you don't have to guess, do you.)

Your comment about having a piece break off that we can handle seems correct. I asked my shrink today what would happen if I really have accepted having almost dies and her response was, ďWell, you have several issues. Thatís one down if itís trueĒ. She's correct. Crying is the start, allowing you to release emotions and deal with them and the problems behind them. It will take a while, but the crying helps. As does the knowledge that Greg's sacrifice did actually save your life.

So are you saying Glocktalk makes us crazy? Or do we have to be crazy to join Glocktalk? No. We're the sane ones. They're the ones that are crazy.

back
You can add this to my other, shorter answer.

Love, prayers, and

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:45   #973
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You have already given us more than we could ever ask for.



Ma'am i have a strong feeling you were meant to be here. As you said, perhaps The Big Guy has plans for you. Things do happen for a reason.
I completely agree with you Historian. Especially on the second part.
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I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:48   #974
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Some of you folks make it sound like the Man Upstairs really had something in mind for me to keep me here.
Yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
I hope it involves repaying all of your's kindnesses.
More of a "pay it forward" type of thing. ETA Which you are already doing with your prayers for my son and others here.

Hawk
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Old 10-25-2009, 12:08   #975
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Lone_Wolfe - have you thought of starting a diary/journal?

When my wife needs to work things out, she writes her thoughts down in a journal, then goes back to read them, and stuff.

She has a filing cabinet of journals now. I am not allowed to look at them.
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Old 10-25-2009, 14:05   #976
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Hey there beautiful! I've been off a while dealing with some medical stuff in my family, but I wanted to stop in and send you some good karma... : wavey:

Yesterday and today I read through a bit to catch up, but you have such a torrent of well wishes, I couldn't catch up with all of it! :s upergrin:

I wish I knew the magic bullet advice to give you- (I'm a fixer by nature, what can I say) But, not being able to do that from here, I can only add my voice to those pulling for you, sending you some strength, and looking forward to pouring you a home-brew on the other side... :drink : : drunk:

Big hugs, strong arm around your shoulder, and... : elephant:

Cuz who doesn't love a dancing pink elephant??
Hi there, good to see you again. And thank you for the Karma. I hope the family problems are OK now?

Please, no bullets, OK? Please?

Your voice, well-wishes and the advice you gave me in the past make a difference. I appreciate the part you've had in helping me get this far and to get to where I someday hope to be. Big hugs back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bumpadrum View Post
Hi Lone_Wolfe, hope your day is going better. If crying helps let it flow.
Still here, still praying for you every day. Doing the Wave, too.
I don't know for sure if the crying will help, but it's too late to stop it now. I just wish I would finish.

Thank you for your prayers.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Hawk View Post
Yes, you do care if you die tomorrow. You wouldn't have fought so hard otherwise. Still confused about a lot of things, but not about that. not deep down where it counts.

I think you're mostly past your "fear of fear", and the crying this morning is more the flood of emotion that you have had blocked up for months. You may not know why you are crying, but the fact that you are crying is getting you there. And yes, drugs tend to distort and worse - hold off - feelings. That's been part of your problem.

Yes, rational problems can seem to be overwhelming, but since they are rational, they are eventually subject to rational answers. And we are more likely to be able to get to work on them - given time.

If you need to write and get it out, do so. You can PM it to me if needed. I don't come here for you to cheer me up, although your continued progress is doing so.

As far as the docs, I'm saying they're crazy because most of them think people with guns are crazy.

I've got to get going now, but I should be back on around 2000 your time, noon here.

Love, prayers, and : hugs:

Hawk
It seems thatís yet another case of conscious vs sub-conscious mind at odds. My conscious mind has decided many times that I couldnít take this anymore and wished Iíd died that day or would now. But the sub-conscious mind wouldnít give up when it was in charge, like when I wasnít conscious to make any decisions.
Those feelings may have been block by the drugs, but I think they were distorted and amplified by them. I had some nightmares right from the start, but not every night or so bad it wasnít possible to sleep. I also didnít have the bad self-destructive thoughts before I went on the drugs. It was around April when the shrink I had decided to put me on anti-depressants and things started going really crazy. Things got so twisted up in my head and the nightmares got 10x worse and then my doc decided I needed strong sleeping pills too. Between those and the pain meds I had all sorts of bad reactions up until the doc I have now detoxed me in August. Itís like it took a small logjam and turned it in to the huge one Iíve referred to in here. And made it all the harder to start letting it out.

I do think there are some rational fears in here, buried under the unidentifiable fear thatís so overwhelming. I supposed Iíll get to them eventually, after this flood has passed. Writing what Iím thinking and feeling in here has been helping me for a while now, although sometimes Iím sure it doesnít seem that way. I would guess Iím far from the most cheerful person on GT, and you donít know how much I appreciate you taking your time to talk to me here.

I think thereís a flaw in your reasoning of why my shrinks and docs are crazy. First off, most everyone here except the civilians have guns, so by that standard they would consider themselves, their co-workers, and most every other military person crazy. But they would think I was the sane one, because Iíve had a no-weapon profile since April.

Hope youíre having a great Sunday.



Quote:
Originally Posted by DustyJacket View Post
Lone_Wolfe - have you thought of starting a diary/journal?

When my wife needs to work things out, she writes her thoughts down in a journal, then goes back to read them, and stuff.

She has a filing cabinet of journals now. I am not allowed to look at them.
Dusty, I've never been one to keep a journal of any sort. I've never had any desire to write something that wasn't meant to be read. Although there are times I think it would do me some good if I did do something like that.
I know I've been writing a lot in here but what makes it so valueable to me is when you folks read and respond to it with you opinions, advice and moral support.

I may have to try the diary thing again, it's been years since I tried it all.










Well, I've made it through another day and I'm so glad it's time to for some dream-free sleep. Night, my friends.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 10-25-2009, 14:13   #977
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Nite Sweetheart, sleep well honey
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Old 10-25-2009, 14:15   #978
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BTW LW honey I'm wonderin if you could do me a favor please. After I get home from work I usually fix me a glass of tea, turn up I am outta sugar and I was wonderin if you could slip by and stick your finger in my tea so I could have sweet tea
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Old 10-25-2009, 19:59   #979
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Old 10-26-2009, 00:33   #980
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Dusty, I've never been one to keep a journal of any sort. I've never had any desire to write something that wasn't meant to be read. Although there are times I think it would do me some good if I did do something like that.
I know I've been writing a lot in here but what makes it so valueable to me is when you folks read and respond to it with you opinions, advice and moral support.

I may have to try the diary thing again, it's been years since I tried it all.
[/quote]

Hi LW, it is wonderful to see you online again!! It totally blesses me to see God answering the many prayers being said...We love you so much.

One way I have found to journal is to email. I have friends who I write about "everything." From the pride I felt when my boys graduated from college to daily grind and sad, depressing things, I have record of how I was feeling on that day.

The only journal I was ever disciplined enough to keep up was when the boys were small and the cute things they did and said. It is fun to read it now and I have had to make copies of it for both of them.

But now, writing to friends like you has become my way of journaling and also remembering details of every special or really bad day.

Your friend Brown Hawk is either a therapist, a counselor or a natural. What wonderful insite he/she has and such a good person. It has been really cool to be able to read the posts to you by your many friends.
People truly care about you and you have sparked something in them that makes them able to verbalize it. Later gator.
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"The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it."- George Orwell
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