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Old 01-12-2011, 17:01   #6561
Lone_Wolfe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
: hugs:

All this introspective stuff is hard.

And I'm just reading it.
I can understand that, it gets hard for me too. Sometimes my brain just shuts down. Like today, I just don't have anything in me, I feel pretty numb.

Can you give me a hug instead?



Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
The sleep of the just Sweetheart.: hearts:: smootchie:: iloveyou:
Well, it wasn't exactly that, but it was a bit more sleep than I've been getting lately, so I'll take it. Hope your day was good.



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Originally Posted by Glock26girl View Post
It has always bothered me that they check the area better before ordering you and Greg to run to the other MRAP. I'm not saying it was the Convoy Commander's fault, but I hope that he learned something from what happened.
I thought about that too, but apparently it was done the way it was "supposed" to be. Yeah, fat lot of good that did us, right? I hope he did look around more if there was a next time. But then hunting and poking around those rocks might have gotten one or more of them shot instead of Greg and me. So all I have is hindsight here. And no good choices.



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Originally Posted by okie View Post
Love you LW sweetheart:: hearts:: hugs:
Love you too, okie.



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Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
Wolfe I'm glad to see that they are concerned enough to go get you. Those symptoms would have me worried too. I just hope they would tell you if they do find latent damage to your heart. Is you doctor going to go ahead with rotating your sleeping meds?
I think the doc I have now would tell me if he found anything. Heart problems run in my family, so it's probably just a matter of time for me anyway. He is switching out my meds, the stuff I had last night worked better, but still not good. I'm waiting for the stuff I took a couple hours ago to take hold.

Oh, and you HUSH about things like my age and drooling on myself!

So I've been sitting here staring at the screen trying to talk and absolutely nothing is coming out. I know it would be nice to think I've finally gotten it al out of my system, but I know better. So I guess I'm just shut down and numb for now. Oh well, better then some options I guess.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 01-12-2011, 17:20   #6562
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numb hugs

footrubs.
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Old 01-12-2011, 18:14   #6563
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No squeezing Sweetheart. The sleep of the just tonight and every night. Please scratch Mandy's ears for me.
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Old 01-13-2011, 11:27   #6564
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Originally Posted by Tenngunner View Post
Thanks S_R. She is doing ok now. Went to the services in MO and road 12 and 12 in a car and her back went out (muscle spasms). But mentally she is ok now.
I hope her back is doing better now too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Yep, I'm better than last night, that's for sure. I'm also getting groggy already, which hopefully means the sleep cocktail I have tonight is going to do what it gets paid to do. I hope so, the last one wasn't worth a crap. Last night was the first time I got over 3 hours in more than a week. But the doc there last night cheated and knocked me out. You don't know how bad I needed it.
.
Yes I do know how bad you needed it. You need a lot more rest too. Is the latest combination working any better?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
I think the doc I have now would tell me if he found anything. Heart problems run in my family, so it's probably just a matter of time for me anyway. He is switching out my meds, the stuff I had last night worked better, but still not good. I'm waiting for the stuff I took a couple hours ago to take hold.

Oh, and you HUSH about things like my age and drooling on myself!

So I've been sitting here staring at the screen trying to talk and absolutely nothing is coming out. I know it would be nice to think I've finally gotten it al out of my system, but I know better. So I guess I'm just shut down and numb for now. Oh well, better then some options I guess.
Wolfe next time you are asleep in my guest room I will take a picture of you drooling and post it here. Then what will you do old woman?

I know better than to hope you have it all worked out too so keep trying to talk to us. I hope this time is much shorter than the last. Do you think the pain flare ups may be causing you to clam up? Just keep working at it and it will happen.
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe
I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
Rest in Peace Jeff Abshire-1962-2012-aka 23Skidoo
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Old 01-13-2011, 14:27   #6565
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Good evening hope your feeling better.
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Old 01-13-2011, 17:24   #6566
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tenngunner View Post
Good evening hope your feeling better. : wavey:
I'm working on that, thanks. My terrorist took it unusually easy on me today so my chest isn't screaming as much as it can when he gets through with me. I just hope he doesn't feel the need to make it up to me next ime.



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Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
numb hugs : hugs:

footrubs.




Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
No squeezing Sweetheart.: hugs:: smootchie:: iloveyou: The sleep of the just tonight and every night. Please scratch Mandy's ears for me.
Mandy scratched per your request. She said youíre still in the doghouse with her, send chocolate to get out.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
Yes I do know how bad you needed it. You need a lot more rest too. Is the latest combination working any better?

Wolfe next time you are asleep in my guest room I will take a picture of you drooling and post it here.: whistling: Then what will you do old woman?: tongueout:
I'll remind you that you can never post a pic without my help!
Then I'll do the same thing to you.


I know better than to hope you have it all worked out too so keep trying to talk to us. I hope this time is much shorter than the last. Do you think the pain flare ups may be causing you to clam up? Just keep working at it and it will happen.
I got about 5 hours last night. It was broken, I woke a couple times from nightmares, then the local hajjis sent a wakeup call that landed not too far away from my chu.

I don't think I can blame the pain, it happens enough that if it cause me to stop talking I'd never say much of anything. I'm not sure what caused it this time, I started to let some crap out, then I think I just got scared and closed the door. I think frustration is working against me because I just want to get to where I don't have to deal with this all the time, don't have to write about it, don't have to see a shrink all the time, don't have to think about it it have nightmares about it. Yeah, I know the way to really accomplish that is to face it and deal with it. So I'm working on it.

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Originally Posted by RottnJP View Post
I have the funniest mental image of someone giving pointers to an EOD tech... "O.K., cut that wire... And that one... WAIT! Not that red wire- You'll leave her drooling on herself!"

Seriously though, with the wiring analogy you have to remember that our personality and psyche are such complex, interwoven things, that there is redundancy on the critical circuits. What you have is just a little short that needs to get run to ground... : supergrin:

Man, my brain is in a weird place just now- It occurred to me that if you were a software person, rather than networking, we'd do some diagnostic prints until we isolated the faulty logic... How would that play out in real life? Someone would keep writing little notes to them-self, at seemingly random points to an external observer: "I'm fine." "Yep. I'm still good." "Here I am, and I'm O.K."

Hmm.... Maybe that's not such a bad idea, at that... : rofl:

***

Speaking of random dumb luck, and timing... A friendly acquaintance of mine is a tree guy. He agreed to help a buddy and buddy's Dad out with a tree at their place. So he was up in the tree working on a limb. Of course his crew know full well to stay clear of the guy in the tree, but buddy's Dad apparently wasn't as dialed in to that... The guy I know dropped down a wedge he was done with, and his buddy's Dad just happened to pick that moment in time to walk underneath... Hit him in the head, and he died.

It's got my friend twisted up pretty bad, from what I hear. Talk about the "what-ifs" there... And just like your bullet, or Greg's, just a foot any given direction- A fraction of a second as someone is moving through space- And the ending becomes completely different.

But I guess somewhere there must be balance in the universe for all the lucky/karmic-ly blessed folks that have a car miss them by inches, or a bullet go through their sleeve?

I sometimes struggle with trying to figure out where Luck ends and Karma begins... : dunno: At the end of the day, I'm not sure we're meant to know, really. It just is.

Having been in a couple bike accidents that totaled the bike, but left me "looking at the grass from the green side, instead of the roots," I've also struggled at times with that "What was my Luck, here?" Was I lucky because I missed hitting that light pole by a foot while I was airborne at 40 miles an hour, or was I unlucky that some chick who hadn't slept enough the night before just happened to be right next to me when she made that left turn that took my bike one way and left me going airborne in something approximating my prior direction of travel?

Was 4 months of being an invalid, and a lifetime of back pain lucky? : dunno: Beats the alternative, though, and that's really what it comes down to...

Whether karma/God/dumb fecking luck was on our side or not, we are where we are, the situation is what it is, and our mission is to move forward from that.


(And it's a good reminder to always try to be gentle, to the extent we can manage, with our fellow travelers on this road, because you never know what someone is dealing with inside, or in their daily life, that may not be readily apparent... And worst case scenario, you never know when you might need to cash in just a bit of that karmic credit to help you miss a light pole, or catch a round in a trauma plate...)

Sigh... I was supposed to be working on taxes... Oops. : embarassed:


Nighty night, fellow sinner. : supergrin:
Iíll bet you get a laugh out of that imageÖ. Along with the rest of people reading it. Haha

A little short, or the way my shrink made it sound, some extra wires run in there that need to be removed. Either way, the analogy makes some sense. But I like your troubleshooting method better than trial and error snipping.

Wow, what a bad trip for all 3 of them in the tree incident. I can imagine the guilt he feels, Iíd feel it too. So some would say it was bad luck or maybe bad karma that caused me to be hit by that bullet, or was it good luck or karma that caused me to survive. Of course many of us that hold to the belief that I have something still to do on this Earth thing divine intervention had a part in it. But then I have to wonder why divine intervention couldnít just cause the bullet to miss altogether and save a lot of grief for a lot of people. But I already know I may not have been put in one situation where I was needed if I hadnít been shot. I can sure understand where youíre coming from with your question too. Iíve thought many times how it would have been better for many if Iíd died that day, but mainly better for myself. And of course the taxpayers who have paid a bunch for my care and will pay a bunch more still.

And a very good lesson in how we treat others, because we look at them and just canít know whatís making them tick or hurt that day. Hope you get a fat refund on your taxes, my friend.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:34   #6567
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tenngunner View Post
Good evening hope your feeling better.
I second this Wolfe. I hope today has gone well and your physical terrorist has not made your day too painful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Wow, what a bad trip for all 3 of them in the tree incident. I can imagine the guilt he feels, Iíd feel it too. So some would say it was bad luck or maybe bad karma that caused me to be hit by that bullet, or was it good luck or karma that caused me to survive. Of course many of us that hold to the belief that I have something still to do on this Earth thing divine intervention had a part in it. But then I have to wonder why divine intervention couldnít just cause the bullet to miss altogether and save a lot of grief for a lot of people. But I already know I may not have been put in one situation where I was needed if I hadnít been shot. I can sure understand where youíre coming from with your question too. Iíve thought many times how it would have been better for many if Iíd died that day, but mainly better for myself. And of course the taxpayers who have paid a bunch for my care and will pay a bunch more still.

And a very good lesson in how we treat others, because we look at them and just canít know whatís making them tick or hurt that day. Hope you get a fat refund on your taxes, my friend.
Wolfe that is a question that has gone through my mind also. We will never know God's full intent in having you get shot but miraculously survive. I do believe that He would not take something like that lightly and waste the opportunity to use you for something special. I share the belief of many in here that you saving 23skidoo was just the beginning. I think you wil continue to struggle and we will continue to be here for as long as you need because you have a reason to be here and we want you to be around and able to do what you have to and appreciate the moment just like you did after you saved a life last summer.
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On here I'm an *** hole.
In real life I'm an *** hole with a gun. :supergrin:
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe
I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
Rest in Peace Jeff Abshire-1962-2012-aka 23Skidoo
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Old 01-14-2011, 17:23   #6568
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Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
I second this Wolfe. I hope today has gone well and your physical terrorist has not made your day too painful.


Wolfe that is a question that has gone through my mind also. We will never know God's full intent in having you get shot but miraculously survive. I do believe that He would not take something like that lightly and waste the opportunity to use you for something special. I share the belief of many in here that you saving 23skidoo was just the beginning. I think you wil continue to struggle and we will continue to be here for as long as you need because you have a reason to be here and we want you to be around and able to do what you have to and appreciate the moment just like you did after you saved a life last summer.
I escaped my terroristís grasp today. So my shrink made up for it instead.

Iím convinced youíre right that Iím not finished here, for reason Iíve posted in here, plus some that I havenít. I really shouldnít still be here, so thereís got to be a reason I still am. Like you said, I have to be able and willing to do whatever Iím supposed to do when the time comes. That makes me think that Iím going to at least stick around and not give up whether I want to or not. Because if I just gave up then God would have to come up with Plan B.

This post made me think of a conversation I had with my shrink a few months back about saving lives. He asked me how much different I would have felt if the life Iíd saved was that of a stranger or even someone I really didnít like. I said of course it made some difference, but I really couldnít know how much. Had I not acted or been to late I would have had the pain of losing someone I cared about, plus Iím sure guilt from not calling right away when I sensed something wrong. Yeah, like I need any more guilt in my life, right? But I found myself comparing this, where everyone reading this thread or the one I started that night knew what I did, vs some times in the past where I had the chance to do a good deed and the recipient never knew who their benefactor was. In those cases I didnít save any lives, but it was still a good feeling. A very good feeling in a couple of those cases, but very different in some ways. This time people knew, they said things to me about it, and Skidooís family gave me a really nice welcome to West Virginia. So while I really couldnít answer the question he asked it did make me think about some things. Having had that question asked a few months ago I think now the answer is that it wouldnít have been that much different overall, because Iíd still know inside.



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Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
You know I didn't mean that in a derogatory, uncaring way. I just wanted you to think.

In the Tucson shooting, a nine year-old girl was killed. She was taken to the event by a neighbor because she was excited to learn more about her government. The neighbor was also wounded. I heard yesterday that the neighbor is feeling severe guilt for taking her and playing the "what if" game. Can you relate to that?

I thought about you when I heard she had taken the little girl and I wondered if she was going to feel guilt, so I've come to the conclusion that this is a natural, human reaction. It may not have been the same as your circumstances, but the end result is the same. She was shot, and her friend died. She didn't know this would happen, but neither did you, or, as you have said many times, you would not have gone, and you and Greg surely wouldn't have been joking around in the MRAP.

Although nobody else thinks she is guilty, including You, I'm sure, her guilt is real to her. She knows she shouldn't feel guilty, but she does. If she had just not taken the little girl to the event to meet her congresswoman, she'd still be alive.

Although nobody else thinks You are guilty, including Greg, I'm sure, your guilt is real to you. You know you shouldn't feel guilty, but you do. If you had just not made that phone call, Greg would still be alive.

But how can you live your life like that? A life lived without risks is no life at all.

Maybe I should say "SO WHAT NOW?"

I mean, what are you going to do about it? Do you belong in prison? A prison doesn't have to have walls. It can be in your head. Are you going to let guilt run your life? Are you going to let it deny you happiness?

You may always feel guilt for this. The key is how you deal with it. Forgiving yourself for it is a start. I noticed you still haven't done this. You've asked Greg to forgive you, and God to forgive you, but not yourself. Why is that? Can you forgive yourself?

Yes, you can. You didn't mean to hurt anybody. Did you? You would forgive Greg if the tables were turned, wouldn't you?

I'm reposting what I said before so you don't have to hunt for it. I've edited it a little to reflect later conversations.

Lastly, comes Lone_Wolfe. Write with pen and paper a note to yourself. Tell yourself what you did that got Greg killed and you shot. Tell yourself that you have forgiven Greg for saving you and asked Greg's forgiveness, and you have asked for God's forgiveness. Tell yourself that although you will never forget Greg and what happened to you both, that you now forgive yourself, because you deserve to be happy, and to feel joy and hope and peace in your life. You don't have to do this at one sitting. Really think about this.

Then say, not write, a prayer to God to forgive you, because you were trying to do your best knowing what you did at the time. Ask him to forgive you for getting Greg killed and you shot. Ask him to help you to forgive yourself. Pour your heart out. Nobody's there but you and Him. His Spirit will help you.

"If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

Please do this, not for me, but for yourself.
I knew you didnít mean your comment in a negative way, thatís why I just asked and left it alone until you clarified.

I read that about the little girl in Tucson having been taken to meet Giffords by a neighbor. I wouldnít be surprised if the neighbor, the parents, maybe later even Giffords herself feel some guilt over that. The parallels between me and the neighbor are strong, I can see your point. If sheíd just stayed home that day, if Iíd just not made the phone cal. These ifís stay in my head and make me believe I was so wrong to do what I did, but I wasnít trying to get anyone hurt. Not me, not Greg, not anyone. I didnít want it to end the way it did, I wanted us to all get there OK. But the choices I made put someone else in a position to get killed and Iíve tried to forgive myself. Thatís so much harder than asking someone else to. They can refuse and I donít blame them. Itís not that I havenít tried to forgive myself. I just canít yet.

Iíve been trying to write what you said and all I can do is sit here and cry.

Maybe thatís a good thing.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 01-14-2011, 17:53   #6569
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It's good to let it out, you know that.
I sent you a link and a reply to your email.
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:26   #6570
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Good evening Sweetheart! I hope you've had a good dy!
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:29   #6571
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Love you LW sweetheart
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Old 01-15-2011, 12:14   #6572
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It's good to let it out, you know that.
I sent you a link and a reply to your email.
sawgrass you are so right about her letting it out. How are you doing? I hope you are feeling better lately. You are still in my prayers.

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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Iíve been trying to write what you said and all I can do is sit here and cry.

Maybe thatís a good thing.
Yes that is a good thing. It means some of that crap in your head is starting to come out. Please let it keep pouring out. I know it hurts not but that is how you will be able to find peace again. Go right ahead and cry. You need that more than anything right now.
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I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
Rest in Peace Jeff Abshire-1962-2012-aka 23Skidoo
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Old 01-16-2011, 16:21   #6573
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Yes that is a good thing. It means some of that crap in your head is starting to come out. Please let it keep pouring out. I know it hurts not but that is how you will be able to find peace again. Go right ahead and cry. You need that more than anything right now.
Have to agree. You have a lot of shoulders here to cry on. Don't hold back!
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Old 01-16-2011, 21:37   #6574
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About 8:35pm Flagstaff time............. STILL can't get through to you on hajiiverisonnet cell phone number you gave me several months ago, .................... what give????????????/// it should be 'bout waking time your time therre.........?
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Old 01-16-2011, 22:08   #6575
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Squeeze free Sweetheart.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:23   #6576
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Iíve been trying to write what you said and all I can do is sit here and cry.
Wolfe another thing you could do is check in with us. We are concerned.

The last I heard from Wolfe was a couple days ago. She mentioned severe weather related pain. She may have had to go to the hospital and not be able to get online. Hopefully she will be able to post later and is doing OK.
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On here I'm an *** hole.
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I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:58   #6577
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Stats say last time she was on GT was last night at 11:17 CST, which would be this morning her time.
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Old 01-17-2011, 09:44   #6578
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Marylin. Sleep and relaxation expert. Leading by example.

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Old 01-17-2011, 10:45   #6579
Lone_Wolfe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
Stats say last time she was on GT was last night at 11:17 CST, which would be this morning her time.
Unfortunately that's not accurate. I'm behind a proxy that grabs page refreshes on a seemingly random schedule, so it sometimes shows me online when I'm not. It's annoying because when I go to my control panel to see what threads have been posted in since I was last on there won't be any, even though there were posts made.

I've missed a couple days, it hasn't been fun. I didn't have my cell phone with me, so I couldn't call. Sorry sawgrass, Skidoo, Silent_Runner.



Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
Marylin. Sleep and relaxation expert. Leading by example.

Okie Memorial Area
for Marylin, and for you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
Wolfe another thing you could do is check in with us. We are concerned.

The last I heard from Wolfe was a couple days ago. She mentioned severe weather related pain. She may have had to go to the hospital and not be able to get online. Hopefully she will be able to post later and is doing OK.
You guessed right, I went in to the hospital. I was hurting real bad from rain fronts rolling in and out and couldn't deal with the prospect of laying there not being able to sleep and crying from the pain, so I walked to the hospital and asked the doc there if he could do anything for me. He looked me over and said he could, but that I'd have to stay. I didn't have Mandy or anything with me, but I stayed and let him put me in la-la land. Today when I got out I tried to get online, but hajji-net was being flakey, so I figured I'd get on later. Here I am, finally managed to get back on.

I still feel like someone shot me.

Oh wait...............
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 01-17-2011, 10:47   #6580
Tenngunner
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When does the rainy season end there? Here's hoping you feel better.
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Originally posted by NYC Drew:

"We don't sit on our asses enough and THINK thru scenarios. We have to wait until bad nasty stuff happens to us to appreciate circumstances that might run counter to our preconceptions and beliefs."
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