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Old 01-05-2011, 07:35   #6501
Lone_Wolfe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
You may have to lean a little closer to hear me.

You are an angel among us. Don't talk of giving up. Let hope carry you to safety.

Princess.
I can't quite hear you. Maybe if you were hugging me close when you talk to me.

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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 01-05-2011, 07:47   #6502
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Hiya, cutie!
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Old 01-05-2011, 16:43   #6503
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Get well quickly LW sweetheart
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Old 01-05-2011, 16:59   #6504
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Originally Posted by okie View Post
Get well quickly LW sweetheart: smootchie:: hugs:
Thank you okie. Hope you find a good job soon.


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Originally Posted by Santa CruZin View Post
Hiya, cutie!
Hiya handsome!



Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
We haven't worked on 'Giving up' for a while have we? Take my hand, lets get in some batting practice tonight.: hugs:: hearts:: smootchie:: iloveyou:
Are you kidding, I'm staying well away from you while you have a bat in your hands!



But I'd love to take him out once and for all. His buddy, too!



Quote:
Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
Yes, I do. Write a letter to God. Whatever needs to be said. Post it or not, your choice. But don't Post it if you keeps you from saying what needs to be said. God knows your heart. You're not going to make him mad. He loves you
OK, I did just that, but was disappointed with what I came up with. What do you think?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here, God, but I'll see what I can get to come out of my head. I know I was told to ask your forgiveness for getting Greg killed, but that doesn't feel right, anymore than it did the other day when I wrote that letter. I know this may seem strange, but I don't think you need to forgive me, I just need me to forgive me. And Greg to forgive me, but I think he does. Make any sense? I didn't think so, it doesn't to me either. So what does it mean? I know, you're not telling me direct, so I should ask my online friends and my shrink what they think. OK, I'll do that.

I guess I ask for a lot of things, maybe I ask for too much. I want to get to the point that I can sleep without nightmares and not have constant pain. It doesn't seem like too much to ask, but maybe it is. I've been told I'll likely have to take pain meds and collect disability the rest of my life. You know I hate that, but that's the way it is. I just wonder why I ask so much when I have so little to offer in return. Still, I hope you haven't given up on me in spite of my thoughts of giving up myself. You know how hard I struggle with those thoughts. I sometimes wonder if people who talk to me and try to help me have given up on me too, and I hope they don't because I get so much strength from them. How is it someone who's never met me can care so much about me? How is it I can care so much back? I've never met or even spoken with most of them, but I'm worried about Bob's MIL, sawgrass and her recent losses, Scott's mom, so many more, and of course Skidoo's health. Yeah, I know, you've heard from me about them before and will again. Take care of them, willya? Please?

So why am I still here? I ask that a lot and have been shown part of why you kept me here, I wonder what the rest of the reason is. Will I be able to do something good for someone that nobody else could? Will I even know when I've done what I'm here to do. Will I be really glad I lived in spite of the pain and everything? I know I'm glad I was still alive last July, but have had to fight off thoughts of wishing I'd died the day I stopped breathing or some other time since then. I know I'm doing better, but you know how long it's taking and how I wish it would happen faster. So I've been sitting here trying to come up with something new to say, but can't. I don't guess I needed to worry about making you mad, I can't get anything else to come out. So where do I got from here?
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 01-05-2011, 17:19   #6505
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Do you harbor any ill feelings towards God that this happened to you? If so, tell him about it. If not, tell him that, too.

If your guilt is such a big wrong against your fellow human being, (a) shouldn't you need God's forgiveness?, or (b) did you really commit the wrong, and therefore don't need God's forgiveness? Almost all sin is because we don't treat our fellow humans right. The sin is that God told us not to do it.

Side note: Our goal is for my MIL to go home by the end of January. Her medicare has run out so my wife and I are footing the bill now. In the meantime, her dad has somehow fractured the L1 vertebrae in his back and is in pain, so he is homebound now. But we are dealing with it okay.
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Old 01-05-2011, 18:06   #6506
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Lone_Wolfe...you don't ever have to worry about me giving up on you...you'll never be that lucky!! Love ya lady, don't ever forget it!
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Old 01-05-2011, 18:22   #6507
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Word of honor Sweetheart, that bat is for the demons, never you. You are never alone! We will not give up on you!
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Old 01-05-2011, 19:53   #6508
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LW, I haven't given up on you and the letter is good.
Leave your heart and your mind open for God's answers.

I am quiet but you are in my thoughts.
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Old 01-05-2011, 20:13   #6509
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I'm never gonna leave you, either, Wolfe. Your letter to God was heartfelt and real. Although He knows your heart, it is so healthy to write a letter to look back on.

As always, my prayers continue to go up for you, with faith that you are going to have a happy, productive life. I'm always sad to hear that you are going through a difficult time or "more" difficult time, though. I think it just makes us all pray harder. I'm praying for Bob and his family, too. I just want to say how much I appreciate the love he puts into helping you, Wolfe. I pray for huge blessings for his family for their selflessness with their parents.
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Old 01-05-2011, 23:48   #6510
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This little fellas name is Cocky, one has one eye, but he does just fine with it. It was hot out this day, and he figured out really quick this was the best place to be.Okie Memorial Area
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Old 01-06-2011, 11:22   #6511
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Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
LW, I haven't given up on you and the letter is good.
Leave your heart and your mind open for God's answers.

I am quiet but you are in my thoughts.
sawgrass you are also in the thoughts and prayers of many of us. Your advice to Wolfe is good and I hope she can do as you suggest.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Glock View Post
Lone_Wolfe...you don't ever have to worry about me giving up on you...you'll never be that lucky!! Love ya lady, don't ever forget it!
Lady Glock you said it well. Wolfe would have a very hard time getting rid of us and I doubt she could at all.

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Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
Word of honor Sweetheart, that bat is for the demons, never you. You are never alone! We will not give up on you!
Feel free to use that bat on her too if she does not stop thinking about giving up. I will take over if you get tired.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ancient_serpent View Post
This little fellas name is Cocky, one has one eye, but he does just fine with it. It was hot out this day, and he figured out really quick this was the best place to be.
That little puppy is adorable!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
OK, I did just that, but was disappointed with what I came up with. What do you think?
Wolfe you should never be disappointed with honest thoughts. I think that you did well but do wonder if you get angry with God as BobInTX asked. The idea of feeling like you need to forgive yourself but may not need God's forgiveness is intriguing. Do you feel like that because he already forgave you or for a different reason?

BobInTX you father in law in in prayer also.
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I mean, I’m mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
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Old 01-06-2011, 12:01   #6512
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I am unworthy to speak in direct reply to your letter, but I would like to speak for myself with words of caring and support. I struggle with the helpless feeling of being unable to alleviate your pain. As much as you feel you have little to offer, I feel that our words of encouragement are of little help to your struggle. It is my prayer that, in the long run, we will both be proven wrong. I believe you have a great deal to offer this world and the world is a more blessed place with your very presence.


And don't feel alone. Like Lauren Bacall said to Humphrey Bogart

"You know you don't have to act with me, Steve. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. (She opens his door and pauses.) You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together - and blow."


Just whistle. We're here.
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Old 01-06-2011, 12:08   #6513
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Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
I am unworthy to speak in direct reply to your letter,


Just whistle. We're here.
In my deep Sarah Palin voice..... you betcha.
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Old 01-06-2011, 18:01   #6514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tenngunner View Post
In my deep Sarah Palin voice..... you betcha.
Something tells my your voice is already deeper than hers.



Quote:
Originally Posted by ancient_serpent View Post
This little fellas name is Cocky, one has one eye, but he does just fine with it. It was hot out this day, and he figured out really quick this was the best place to be.
Awwwwwww, what a little cutie! Smart little doggie, too.



Quote:
Originally Posted by engineer151515 View Post
I am unworthy to speak in direct reply to your letter, but I would like to speak for myself with words of caring and support. I struggle with the helpless feeling of being unable to alleviate your pain. As much as you feel you have little to offer, I feel that our words of encouragement are of little help to your struggle. It is my prayer that, in the long run, we will both be proven wrong. I believe you have a great deal to offer this world and the world is a more blessed place with your very presence.


And don't feel alone. Like Lauren Bacall said to Humphrey Bogart

"You know you don't have to act with me, Steve. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. (She opens his door and pauses.) You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together - and blow."


Just whistle. We're here.
Unworthy me eye! I was talking to my shrink about just what you said today, about the things you say to me in here and how it's helping me in ways I don't always understand. He asked me how I feel immediately after I read new posts in here. I told him “Depends on the post, sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry, other times I crack up laughing until I have to reach for pain meds. Sometimes I'm just amazed that these people care like they do”. My shrinks said “That's good, even when they make you cry or sad. That will help you get out some of the negativity inside you. Smiles and laughter can only do good for you, too”. Your posts have had all those effects on me at different times, plus the Marilyn pics always get an “Awwwwwwwwww” from me.

I have to get better at whistling, don't I?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Glock26girl View Post
I'm never gonna leave you, either, Wolfe. Your letter to God was heartfelt and real. Although He knows your heart, it is so healthy to write a letter to look back on.

As always, my prayers continue to go up for you, with faith that you are going to have a happy, productive life. I'm always sad to hear that you are going through a difficult time or "more" difficult time, though. I think it just makes us all pray harder. I'm praying for Bob and his family, too. I just want to say how much I appreciate the love he puts into helping you, Wolfe. I pray for huge blessings for his family for their selflessness with their parents.: hugs:
I pray for you too, as you already know. And I value your friendship so much. I know when you come here and talk to me you're always sincere and I really appreciate that. When I wrote that about giving up on me I was thinking about someone who would keep talking to me, keep going through the motions, but not believe it'll make any difference. Kinda like my medic doing all that CPR and other stuff to me even though he assumed I'd die anyway. Yeah, I know, strange thoughts in my head these days.



Quote:
Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
LW, I haven't given up on you and the letter is good.
Leave your heart and your mind open for God's answers.

I am quiet but you are in my thoughts.
Sawgrass, you know I miss you and am always glad to see you. I've been worried about you, too. How are you doing? I hope time is healing your pain. I got your PM a few minutes ago and I'm crying for you. I wish there was something I could do for you. Maybe just a will help a little, and some prayers.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Glock View Post
Lone_Wolfe...you don't ever have to worry about me giving up on you...you'll never be that lucky!! Love ya lady, don't ever forget it!
Good, I don't want to be rid of you! You've gone through so much crap and have come through it stronger and stood up to those who hurt you, you inspire me. You're tough, I could take a lesson from you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
Do you harbor any ill feelings towards God that this happened to you? If so, tell him about it. If not, tell him that, too.

If your guilt is such a big wrong against your fellow human being, (a) shouldn't you need God's forgiveness?, or (b) did you really commit the wrong, and therefore don't need God's forgiveness? Almost all sin is because we don't treat our fellow humans right. The sin is that God told us not to do it.

Side note: Our goal is for my MIL to go home by the end of January. Her medicare has run out so my wife and I are footing the bill now. In the meantime, her dad has somehow fractured the L1 vertebrae in his back and is in pain, so he is homebound now. But we are dealing with it okay.
Damn, I'm sorry to hear your FIL is hurting like that. I'll send up prayers for him too, along with your MIL. I hope her foot keeps healing well.

Am I mad at God about what happened? Some days yes, sometimes not. I know that's not a good answer, but it's true. Sometimes I'm angry that that Afghani didn't just miss. I mean, how hard would it have been to have that damn bullet just whiz right past me and I dive behind the rocks and tell Greg “****, that was close!” Then come back to GT and have a story to tell. Other times I get pissed that he didn't just let me die after I'd been shot. It would have saved me a hell of a lot of pain. Or I get mad about the things that went wrong afterward that didn't have to go wrong. Then other times I'm not mad at God at all, it just is what it is. Of course I still wonder why, but I always have and always will.

Your second question is what I brought up today with my shrink. I showed him what I wrote and tried to explain it and ended up making less sense than if I hadn't tried. My shrink thought about it for a minute and explained a few things to me. He said the drug-induced psychosis had several effects on me, one was to “hard-wire” guilt and other negative thoughts into my head. He said that those 'wires' are showing signs of coming loose or shorting out, after all this time. So he says that disconnected thought process is very likely a good thing. Just like the being angry at God sometimes and sometimes not, and about different things at different times. He said as that hard-wiring gets more and more frayed I'll seem more disconnected, then the things I really think and feel will take over. Then any guilt or other things I feel will be real, not caused by mental illness. He said I'll still have to deal with PTSD and it's effects, but that'll be easier then. So I asked him what was the point of anyone trying to convince me that it's not my fault that Greg died if my belief that I'm guilty isn't even really there. He said there's a couple of reasons. One was the real guilt that he can tell I have, that'll still be there when the psychosis is gone. He said he can tell I'm not the type person to just blow something off even if I should. He also said every bit of pounding against that guilt would weaken it, and that would also help my mind to heal.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 01-06-2011, 18:35   #6515
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Hey keep talking and keep untwisting those wires.
Let's go with stranded wire so that makes sense.
You've come too far to give up now.
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Old 01-06-2011, 19:21   #6516
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What your shrink told you is so good to know. Hang in there. I'll give you another exercise tomorrow. I can't do it on my iPhone.

Did you write more to God?
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Old 01-07-2011, 08:55   #6517
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
Hey keep talking and keep untwisting those wires.
Let's go with stranded wire so that makes sense.
You've come too far to give up now.
That's exactly what my shrink wants me to do. He's even been trying to schedule me to come in every day, but that's hard to do between my job and his other patients. So here I am. BTW, I'll write back to you later. I haven't had any time today. Hmmmmmm, stranded wire... Why is that better?

I'll bet that makes more sense than what I did today...
In one of the offices not too far from me some bozo decided it would be a good idea to completely rearranged the office, including rerouting all that network connections for the computers. They came over and recruited me to help, since I'm more familiar with the systems and peripherals they have than the people who used them every day. Go figure. So I agreed to help out after making sure they knew that I can't lift, climb or crawl. The 'project' started last night and dragged on through much of today and Mr. Murphy didn't just make an appearance, he had a chair on the room. I spent most of the time waiting, then fixing what shouldn't have been broke, plus listening to this one guy complain every time he tried to get me to lift something I knew I couldn't. “You don't look like there's anything wrong with you, why won't you help with this stuff?” “It's none of your damn business why I can't lift it, but if you don't like it go tell your sup that you don't want me here at all and I'll happily go back to my own office”. Between the dust making me cough and sneeze, and the tugging, moving, etc that I did my chest is screaming. That and I didn't get any of my own stuff done yet today.

If I had a gun right now I'd use it. And the Good Idea Fairy would be dead!
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 01-07-2011, 09:22   #6518
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Please Sweetheart,allow me to take care of the 'Good idea Fairy'."Batter Up!" Is a 10mm right behind the ear overkill?
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:48   #6519
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
That's exactly what my shrink wants me to do. He's even been trying to schedule me to come in every day, but that's hard to do between my job and his other patients. So here I am. BTW, I'll write back to you later. I haven't had any time today. Hmmmmmm, stranded wire... Why is that better?

I'll bet that makes more sense than what I did today...
In one of the offices not too far from me some bozo decided it would be a good idea to completely rearranged the office, including rerouting all that network connections for the computers. They came over and recruited me to help, since I'm more familiar with the systems and peripherals they have than the people who used them every day. Go figure. So I agreed to help out after making sure they knew that I can't lift, climb or crawl. The 'project' started last night and dragged on through much of today and Mr. Murphy didn't just make an appearance, he had a chair on the room. I spent most of the time waiting, then fixing what shouldn't have been broke, plus listening to this one guy complain every time he tried to get me to lift something I knew I couldn't. “You don't look like there's anything wrong with you, why won't you help with this stuff?” “It's none of your damn business why I can't lift it, but if you don't like it go tell your sup that you don't want me here at all and I'll happily go back to my own office”. Between the dust making me cough and sneeze, and the tugging, moving, etc that I did my chest is screaming. That and I didn't get any of my own stuff done yet today.

If I had a gun right now I'd use it. And the Good Idea Fairy would be dead!
Well, I guess we're just going to have to beat it into your head that you're not guilty and deserve to be happy.
Quote:
“You don't look like there's anything wrong with you, why won't you help with this stuff?”
Comebacks:

Oh, really? Do you have x-ray vision?

Yeah, I got real lazy after that run-in with the AK-47.

I just made a phone call to a friend of mine. When he gets here, stand in front of that wall and be real still while he shoots you in the chest. Then come back in two years and talk to me about moving this stuff.

You don't know what in the hell you're talking about.

Does the term **** off mean anything to you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Yeah, I'd like to help, but my union doesn't allow it.

Imagine you're in your office tomorrow and a crazy woman comes in and starts screaming at you "YOU did this to meeee!!". That's what's going to happen if I help you move this stuff.

If I help you, will you take me to the hospital afterwards?

Go on Glocktalk.com and read a thread called Lone_Wolfe. The same thing happened to me.

I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone who gives a ****.

You don't have a clue who I am, do you?

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm pregnant.


ETA: When my daughter was six months pregnant some of her male coworkers were *****ing because she wouldn't move 50 pound speakers.
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Old 01-07-2011, 11:16   #6520
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Writing exercise

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
What your shrink told you is so good to know. Hang in there. I'll give you another exercise tomorrow. I can't do it on my iPhone.


Assume I believe every single person highlighted in bold print in the following excerpts is to blame for Greg's death. I'm really stubborn. Tell me why I might think that and then convince me they're not.

Quote:
Finally an E-4 walks over and tells the group that one of the birds had mechanical trouble and was deadlined.


Quote:
A Captain walked up and asked what base I needed to go to and when I told him he said that it might be possible to send me by convoy.


Quote:
The first person I asked, the Major, said no, but I asked to speak to the Colonel and was surprised when he relented.




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We got going down the road and I swear the driver was trying to see how many heads he could bounce off an MRAP’s roof at times.
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The gunners up top kept watch but couldn’t see anyone around.
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Some ground pounders got out of each and formed a perimeter around the convoy and watched for signs of anyone around. After a couple minutes we were given the all clear.
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Instructions were radioed back and forth, then the convoy commander explained to Greg and I that on his command we were to run to a group of large rocks between the 2 vehicles, then wait for the command to run to the 3rd vehicle and get in.
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We locked and loaded, Greg his pistol, me my rifle, and ran when told to do so. Unknown to anyone there were 2 Afghanis behind some rocks behind the 3rd MRAP, about 50 or so feet from where Greg and I were running. They both jumped up from behind the cover and opened fire in our direction.
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The convoy commander had stopped the medic from trying to go to my aid because it was too dangerous and he thought I couldn’t be helped. Afghani #3 was playing cat and mouse, shooting a little, then ducking behind cover.
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Someone that I had seen but not spoken to walks up and says “Hi, I’m hitching a ride on your convoy!”
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In spite of being close to the remaining Afghani, Greg decided to break cover to try to get to me and drag me back behind cover so the medic could try to save me. He was hit several times. He went down just before he made it to my position and died.
He had no way to know at the time that he saved my life, but by running out when he did the 3rd Afghani exposed himself enough while shooting him that he was also killed and the medic was able to get to me in time to save me.
[quote]While he’s standing there a medic with a cigarette dangling from his mouth walks over. Greg asks if he’s going to be the medic for the convoy and he says he is. I say “Well, nice to meet you, I don’t intend to need your services” The medic seems arrogant and says “Good, I only slept 3 hours last night and I don’t want to do ****!” as he walks off.

As soon as the convoy commander declared the threat neutralized the medic ran to Greg, realized he was already gone, then ran to me and got busy.[\quote]

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I explained that I was expressly prohibited from using ground trans. I thought about it for a second and decided to call my commander in Bagram and ask if it would be OK.
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I [Lone_Wolfe] got permission to use a secure line and made the call.
Greg was almost there and dove behind the rocks, but I was too far away and never had a chance to react. I was hit center of the chest by one of the 1st rounds fired and went down hard, slammed backward and spun around by the force of impact and landed facing back toward the vehicle I had just left.
__________________
"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". Philippians 4:13.

Last edited by BobInTX; 01-07-2011 at 11:18..
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