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Old 10-02-2010, 06:30   #5461
Lone_Wolfe
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Originally Posted by RottnJP View Post
This is so true. Every bit builds on the the foundation of what came before. When you have a weak day, at the worst you must hold the line, and then come back and see what you can build the next day.

The "gotcha" is this lack of sleep of yours... Thers are so many times that weakness is born of lack of sleep- It can color everything else so dramatically, and then you get some sleep and it's like, "What the hell was I worried about? It'll be fine!"
Yep, this is so true. Days like this it's hard not to feel like I'm actually losing ground, and maybe I am a little. But on the days I do get enough sleep I can feel a big difference in a lot of things including my attitude. It's a lot easier to think I'm going to beat this after at least a few hours of sleep. Today I got feeling down and all those demons in my head started reminding me how long it's been, and trying to convince me that I'll never get better and that I should just give up, but then I remembered going for several months without a single good night's sleep. Somehow I got through that, so I'm sure I'll get through whatever it is going wrong these last several weeks. My doc'll make sure I sleep one way or another.
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:38   #5462
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
You seem to forget, she has guns. Lots of guns!

Cursed nightmares woke me up again.
I do believe your demons have graduated to the shotgun. Miss Silent Runner are you ready to whack some demons? Let's get medeval on them
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:20   #5463
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Love you sweetheart
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Old 10-02-2010, 10:40   #5464
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Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
I do believe your demons have graduated to the shotgun. Miss Silent Runner are you ready to whack some demons? Let's get medeval on them
23skidoo you know that I am very ready. I will bring several shotguns and lots of ammo in case anyone else wants to help. To borrow a phrase from Wolfe; I say we skip medieval and go straight to biblical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Yep, this is so true. Days like this it's hard not to feel like I'm actually losing ground, and maybe I am a little. But on the days I do get enough sleep I can feel a big difference in a lot of things including my attitude. It's a lot easier to think I'm going to beat this after at least a few hours of sleep. Today I got feeling down and all those demons in my head started reminding me how long it's been, and trying to convince me that I'll never get better and that I should just give up, but then I remembered going for several months without a single good night's sleep. Somehow I got through that, so I'm sure I'll get through whatever it is going wrong these last several weeks. My doc'll make sure I sleep one way or another.
I wish I knew why your nighttime drug cocktail stopped working but I have faith that your doctor is hard at work trying to find something that will work for you and stay working long enough to do you some real good. In the mean time you just keep the attitude you are showing here. The worst is behind you now and you are winning. It just takes time.

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Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
There it is again...Sleep deprivation exacerbates everything!
Yes it does but Wolfe has gotten through worse.
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I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:10   #5465
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23skidoo you know that I am very ready. I will bring several shotguns and lots of ammo in case anyone else wants to help. To borrow a phrase from Wolfe; I say we skip medieval and go straight to biblical.




Yes ma'am! Biblical it is. Hang in there Sweetheart; you've been in tighter spots than this. You have not seen the movie, nor read the book. We'll get comfortable one night and watch "The Lord of the Rings" of course I am referring to Gandalf confronting the Balrog at the bridge in the mine. "You shall not pass!" Your demons are grass and you have a bunch of lawnmowers who want to have the honor of defending you Sweetheart, rest easy.
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Old 10-02-2010, 13:04   #5466
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
23skidoo you know that I am very ready. I will bring several shotguns and lots of ammo in case anyone else wants to help. To borrow a phrase from Wolfe; I say we skip medieval and go straight to biblical.


I wish I knew why your nighttime drug cocktail stopped working but I have faith that your doctor is hard at work trying to find something that will work for you and stay working long enough to do you some real good. In the mean time you just keep the attitude you are showing here. The worst is behind you now and you are winning. It just takes time.


Yes it does but Wolfe has gotten through worse.
Have at those demons, I can't wait.

My doc has something different for me to try tonight, I hope it works. I think it might just because of how tired I am. You're right, as crappy as I feel now I felt a whole lot worse a year ago. Giving Up can take a flying **** at a rolling donut!
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Old 10-02-2010, 14:04   #5467
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Have at those demons, I can't wait.
My doc has something different for me to try tonight, I hope it works. I think it might just because of how tired I am. You're right, as crappy as I feel now I felt a whole lot worse a year ago. Giving Up can take a flying **** at a rolling donut!
"Ready, on the left!"
"Ready, on the right!"
"Ready on the firing line! The line is hot!" "Commence firing!"
But not at Miss Lone.
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Old 10-02-2010, 15:13   #5468
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
23skidoo you know that I am very ready. I will bring several shotguns and lots of ammo in case anyone else wants to help. To borrow a phrase from Wolfe; I say we skip medieval and go straight to biblical.


I wish I knew why your nighttime drug cocktail stopped working but I have faith that your doctor is hard at work trying to find something that will work for you and stay working long enough to do you some real good. In the mean time you just keep the attitude you are showing here. The worst is behind you now and you are winning. It just takes time.


Yes it does but Wolfe has gotten through worse.
I'll tell you what changed: she doubled up on her meds and she drank alcohol.
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Old 10-02-2010, 15:28   #5469
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Originally Posted by BobInTX View Post
I'll tell you what changed: she doubled up on her meds and she drank alcohol.
That's because the meds had already quit working like they were supposed to. 3 hours sleep a night just isn't enough.
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Old 10-02-2010, 16:28   #5470
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo
.......
But not at Miss Lone.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Runner View Post
I wish I knew why your nighttime drug cocktail stopped working but I have faith that your doctor is hard at work trying to find something that will work for you and stay working long enough to do you some real good. In the mean time you just keep the attitude you are showing here. The worst is behind you now and you are winning. It just takes time.
.
My doc said I developed a tolerance to one or more of the meds quicker than usual. That and with my history of reactions to other drugs he's not surprised he has to tweak my cocktail a bit. He thinks he'll just have to change one med to get the desired result. That and up the dose of Xanax. He said he's going to do that after he finds what'll make me sleep better.

Yeah. I'll still win, this is just a temporary setback.



Quote:
Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
That's a good thing. Maybe SR and I can go on a demon killing spree!
The bad part is, regardless of how many demons we shoot there will
be more until you reconcile with yourself.

I hate that the f'en nightmares woke you again. It can so suck that
they seem so real. Wolfe, I know the reasons you have stated for needing
to still be there. I will be so glad when you aren't. How in the sam hell can
you "let it go" when you still are surrounded by "it"?
It's not that bad here. Sure, it's ugly and dusty, but no one's shot at me in a while now. I found I didn't let anything go any better at home.

Reconciling with myself, easier said than done.



Quote:
Originally Posted by sawgrass View Post
Are you sleeping at the hospital or in your chu?

As I go through my day random thoughts regarding you and this thread
pop into my head. LW you aren't a victim. You were shot, but I don't
believe you think of yourself that way. You have too much of something
else to consider that crap for very long. While my personal trials haven't
equaled what you are dealing with I understand that somedays all you
have is to survive. If that's the case, so be it. On those days tell "giving
up" to take a flying ****. Bob's right that as long as you don't decide to
give up, "suicide" doesn't stand a chance. On the days that you feel ok,
do anything that makes you feel better about who you are. It doesn't matter
if that means getting someone a glass of water, telling someone there they
matter to you, or treating yourself somehow. Anything that makes you feel
a little better. Strength is cumulative.

I haven't said it in a while, but Lone_Wolfe you aren't the average woman.
There is a life waiting to be lived by you. Life is for the living.

I hope you slept.
I'm sleeping in my chu. My doc's not making any drastic changes, and so far not messing with the muscle relaxer at all, so he doesn't think I need to be at the hospital.

Sometimes the victim mentality takes hold of me, but I think I don't stay there. I don't really understand it anyway. I mean it happened, that we know. I've heard myself referred to as a 'shooting victim', but that's be like saying I was a victim of a hit and run. It's a fact, not a mindset. I wonder if I'm making anysense or have the meds taken over too much.

I did do something that made me feel better about myself. I got through today and didn't let the ugly thoughts own me.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 10-03-2010, 00:42   #5471
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Try not to compare how you are today with yesterday. Recovery is slow so you need a longer scale like a month. Just remember you got to return to home soil for a few days. Bet you couldn't have done that a 6 months ago.

Recovery is not a straight line, some weeks will be better than others, but over time you are making progress. By not reading every post or even every day, I can see it in your writing. I guess your recovery is measured in geological terms (not quite). Hah, your teutonic plates are healing. It's slow but moving in the right direction.

I know boring, if I read every post I'm sure I'd see you've heard all this stuff before. But it's still true. If you think about it, a patient doesn't get impatient until they are well into recovery with some parts just working better than others. So impatience itself is a positive sign. Alright, I'll take leave of this for a while.
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Old 10-03-2010, 13:04   #5472
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The hugs are gentle as I can make them and the hearts are as big as all outdoors,
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Old 10-03-2010, 17:02   #5473
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 23skidoo View Post
The hugs are gentle as I can make them and the hearts are as big as all outdoors,: smootchie:
Thank you, sweetheart.



Quote:
Originally Posted by OldLincoln View Post
Try not to compare how you are today with yesterday. Recovery is slow so you need a longer scale like a month. Just remember you got to return to home soil for a few days. Bet you couldn't have done that a 6 months ago.

Recovery is not a straight line, some weeks will be better than others, but over time you are making progress. By not reading every post or even every day, I can see it in your writing. I guess your recovery is measured in geological terms (not quite). Hah, your teutonic plates are healing. It's slow but moving in the right direction.

I know boring, if I read every post I'm sure I'd see you've heard all this stuff before. But it's still true. If you think about it, a patient doesn't get impatient until they are well into recovery with some parts just working better than others. So impatience itself is a positive sign. Alright, I'll take leave of this for a while.
Actually I did go home several months ago and it didn't go well at all. Between the pain and sleeplessness I was in rough shape.

Teutonic plates, I never thought of that. It's actually a fitting description in other ways, too. Not just to describe how long it seems to be taking. Actually I read this earlier and mentioned what you said to my shrink and he liked that description too. I do know that my teutonic plates are shifting, but I don't think they're going back to where they were before. They seem to be going someplace new, and I don't know where they'll end up, or who I'll be. I've had people that knew me before tell me that I've changed.

BTW, if impatience is a good sign then I'm doing really well.....

Thanks for the input.
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Old 10-03-2010, 22:05   #5474
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I had to come in here and check on you. One of my other online friends is not doing so well at the moment. He has got less than two weeks to live. Last I heard, he is not doing too well. Another friend that goes to the same 3d voice chat site is going to see him all the way from Australia to Tennessee. Tells you what kind of guy he is for someone that has never met him in real life to make a trip like that. I do so hope he makes it in time. However if he is too late, he has asked and given permission to be a pallbearer. I wish I could go but I'm unable to travel. Anyway I'm telling you this because even though many of us have never met you in real life, you still mean the world to a lot of people here and it is important that you don't give up the fight.
Thoughts and prayers with you always. Your friend.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:56   #5475
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Originally Posted by Magnus2131 View Post
I had to come in here and check on you. One of my other online friends is not doing so well at the moment. He has got less than two weeks to live. Last I heard, he is not doing too well. Another friend that goes to the same 3d voice chat site is going to see him all the way from Australia to Tennessee. Tells you what kind of guy he is for someone that has never met him in real life to make a trip like that. I do so hope he makes it in time. However if he is too late, he has asked and given permission to be a pallbearer. I wish I could go but I'm unable to travel. Anyway I'm telling you this because even though many of us have never met you in real life, you still mean the world to a lot of people here and it is important that you don't give up the fight.
Thoughts and prayers with you always. Your friend.
Wow, for starters I'm real sorry about your friend. He's in my prayers. I sure hope the Australian friend can get there in time. A different perspective than mine to facing your own mortality, but it makes me remember that I didn't die when I should have, so I still have the chance to win the fight. It sounds like your friend does not.

I'm not giving up the fight, my dear friend. Not after all this time and even some progress. I know a lot of time I still want to, and even seriously consider it, but I can't and I know it. I owe it to all of you, to the medic and staff at the hospital who busted ass and beat the odds to save me, to Greg, and to everyone who's stepped up to help me since then. Plus I owe it to people like your friend to fight on in honor of those who won't/didn't win thier fight.



A bit of good news that'll have some of you feeling a bit of relief. I'm in an area that's going to be affected soon by the drawdown in Iraq. Both my office and my room are in areas that will soon be given back to the Iraqis, which means I have to move. I mentioned this to my doctor recently and he said he was going to look into something and get back to me. He just happened to know about a real small section of a half dozen chus owned by a civilian team that now only has 3 people. They also keep 2 of the chus for team members that come and go in the area, but have one sitting empty as of last month. The agreed to let me move into it, since I'm a team of one. What's so nice about this, you wonder? Well, these chus have a big bunker built up around them. So if the base gets attacked the best place for me to be is asleep in my bed. I'm not even sure if I'll hear the alarm from in there. There's something else I like, too. It's a wet chu. That means I'll soon have bathroom in my room instead of having to walk 150 yards when I need to go. I'm going to love that, especially once it gets cold.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 10-04-2010, 10:05   #5476
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post

My doc said I developed a tolerance to one or more of the meds quicker than usual. That and with my history of reactions to other drugs he's not surprised he has to tweak my cocktail a bit. He thinks he'll just have to change one med to get the desired result. That and up the dose of Xanax. He said he's going to do that after he finds what'll make me sleep better.

Yeah. I'll still win, this is just a temporary setback.

I did do something that made me feel better about myself. I got through today and didn't let the ugly thoughts own me.
That was what I thought the answer might be. I had wonder because when you told me the dosages of your meds I thought a couple of them were fairly low. I know they have to overcome serious mental issues. I am glad that your doctor is being conservative but I also wish he would find something that will work for you long term. I know with your long history of anomalous reactions he has to be very watchful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnus2131 View Post
I had to come in here and check on you. One of my other online friends is not doing so well at the moment. He has got less than two weeks to live. Last I heard, he is not doing too well. Another friend that goes to the same 3d voice chat site is going to see him all the way from Australia to Tennessee. Tells you what kind of guy he is for someone that has never met him in real life to make a trip like that. I do so hope he makes it in time. However if he is too late, he has asked and given permission to be a pallbearer. I wish I could go but I'm unable to travel. Anyway I'm telling you this because even though many of us have never met you in real life, you still mean the world to a lot of people here and it is important that you don't give up the fight.
Thoughts and prayers with you always. Your friend.
Magnus2131 I'm so sorry about your friend. My pryaers sent for him and his friends and family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
I'm not giving up the fight, my dear friend. Not after all this time and even some progress. I know a lot of time I still want to, and even seriously consider it, but I can't and I know it. I owe it to all of you, to the medic and staff at the hospital who busted ass and beat the odds to save me, to Greg, and to everyone who's stepped up to help me since then. Plus I owe it to people like your friend to fight on in honor of those who won't/didn't win thier fight.



A bit of good news that'll have some of you feeling a bit of relief. I'm in an area that's going to be affected soon by the drawdown in Iraq. Both my office and my room are in areas that will soon be given back to the Iraqis, which means I have to move. I mentioned this to my doctor recently and he said he was going to look into something and get back to me. He just happened to know about a real small section of a half dozen chus owned by a civilian team that now only has 3 people. They also keep 2 of the chus for team members that come and go in the area, but have one sitting empty as of last month. The agreed to let me move into it, since I'm a team of one. What's so nice about this, you wonder? Well, these chus have a big bunker built up around them. So if the base gets attacked the best place for me to be is asleep in my bed. I'm not even sure if I'll hear the alarm from in there. There's something else I like, too. It's a wet chu. That means I'll soon have bathroom in my room instead of having to walk 150 yards when I need to go. I'm going to love that, especially once it gets cold.
I quoted the top part just because I liked reading it so much. You just refer back to this whenever you start to thinking you want to give up.

So this is what you were talking about in your email to me. I'm relieved that you will be safe from attack in your room. Now can you arrange to stay in there except when you go to the hospital?

I thought your comment about the Taji Mahal was hysterical.
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In real life I'm an *** hole with a gun. :supergrin:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe
I mean, Iím mentally ill, not mentally deficient! There's a difference between psycho and stupid.
Rest in Peace Jeff Abshire-1962-2012-aka 23Skidoo
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Old 10-04-2010, 10:43   #5477
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I'm glad you will no longer have to put your hiking boots on to tinkle Sweetheart. A big bunker around your chu? Sleep well Sweetheart.
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Old 10-04-2010, 16:54   #5478
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That was what I thought the answer might be. I had wonder because when you told me the dosages of your meds I thought a couple of them were fairly low. I know they have to overcome serious mental issues. I am glad that your doctor is being conservative but I also wish he would find something that will work for you long term. I know with your long history of anomalous reactions he has to be very watchful.

So this is what you were talking about in your email to me. I'm relieved that you will be safe from attack in your room. Now can you arrange to stay in there except when you go to the hospital?

I thought your comment about the Taji Mahal was hysterical.: rofl:
I guess you remember the time I took those cold pills... Yeah, my doc's being careful, it seems like a little too careful sometimes. But his first close-up look at me was when my reaction to the AD's put me in the hospital loony bin, so you can't blame him.

Staying in there 24/7 may seem good, but my employer might frown on the idea. And don't even suggest moving the damn server in the room with me, I'd like to sleep sometime! Hey, I thought my Taji Mahal comment was good too.

Quote:
I'm glad you will no longer have to put your hiking boots on to tinkle Sweetheart. A big bunker around your chu? Sleep well Sweetheart. : hearts:
I'm not going to know what to do with myself not having to tote all my stuff to the shower and then walk back in my robe.

A big bunker around 6 chus is the description I got. Supposedly they're close to here, but in an area that's not closing yet. I'm supposed to be able to move over there sometime next week.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 10-04-2010, 21:03   #5479
OldLincoln
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You mentioned your sleep meds don't work too long. That makes two of us and I suspect many more. Difference is I have been an insomniac since I can remember (5th - 6th grade for sure). My sleep doc has me on a daily dose of Sonata 5mg (a 4hr hypnotic cap) and I add 1 of 4 over-the-counters (Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Benadryl, Melatonin). If I take any 1 of the extras more than 2 consecutive nights the bad dreams start and I have a dull hangover until mid-day. But rotating them I sleep pretty well. When I'm tired enough I may leave the extra off. Doesn't work as well but that's my little rebellion.

My point is you may end up with a regime of various cocktails for each night of the week. Hey, it works for me and I've been doing it a very long time.
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Old 10-05-2010, 00:38   #5480
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Wow, for starters I'm real sorry about your friend. He's in my prayers. I sure hope the Australian friend can get there in time. A different perspective than mine to facing your own mortality, but it makes me remember that I didn't die when I should have, so I still have the chance to win the fight. It sounds like your friend does not.

I'm not giving up the fight, my dear friend. Not after all this time and even some progress. I know a lot of time I still want to, and even seriously consider it, but I can't and I know it. I owe it to all of you, to the medic and staff at the hospital who busted ass and beat the odds to save me, to Greg, and to everyone who's stepped up to help me since then. Plus I owe it to people like your friend to fight on in honor of those who won't/didn't win their fight.



A bit of good news that'll have some of you feeling a bit of relief. I'm in an area that's going to be affected soon by the drawdown in Iraq. Both my office and my room are in areas that will soon be given back to the Iraqis, which means I have to move. I mentioned this to my doctor recently and he said he was going to look into something and get back to me. He just happened to know about a real small section of a half dozen chus owned by a civilian team that now only has 3 people. They also keep 2 of the chus for team members that come and go in the area, but have one sitting empty as of last month. The agreed to let me move into it, since I'm a team of one. What's so nice about this, you wonder? Well, these chus have a big bunker built up around them. So if the base gets attacked the best place for me to be is asleep in my bed. I'm not even sure if I'll hear the alarm from in there. There's something else I like, too. It's a wet chu. That means I'll soon have bathroom in my room instead of having to walk 150 yards when I need to go. I'm going to love that, especially once it gets cold.
I knew you were not a quitter. I apologize and I know you're fighting as hard as you can. We all know you did not die for a reason. I think of a certain 23# and I think of how you have given me strength and a few others here. Not to put any extra stress and responsibility on you but I know you have influenced many here. You're fight is your own but we can't help but root for you.
I sure hope you can get into a safer situation. Having your own bathroom is a big score.
On a side note, today was a very good day. A wheelchair bound friend and neighbor asked if I could sit with her today at the hospital. She had failed her stress test and had to have a heart catheter today. It came out with no blockage, so it was a false positive. She was so happy to see me there. I crawled up in one of those 3/4 couches and waited. She was so relieved to find out the news. Her older sister was there also. It's not every day she gets good news. Just lost her mother and aunt. I can't believe how positive she has been. It really puts me in my place. I've seen tragedies and miracles here where I live. An older friend has lived way past his expectations from lymphoma. He found a woman here that has taken care of him. He has lived 5 years past what they thought. Just never give up on yourself because I know we won't. Love ya!
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