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Old 04-13-2013, 23:38   #1
Mrs. VR
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I'm struggling

Trying to hold everything together for my parents and my kids. I'll be doing pretty well until someone speaks directly to me, says something well meaning, breathes in my general direction.

I have had a few minor melt downs, but I think I'm not going to feel even a little better until mount sadsuvius erupts.

How do you deal with losing a parent ( or anyone) with small lead time? When my brother died suddendly, I thought that was the worst thing ever, never given any warning, time to prepare, etc. now I feel like the time to prepare is more of a curse. It's so surreal and I'm living in a perpetual state of massive anxiety.

I guess the longer this goes on, the easier it gets? Our lives are in a huge state of upheaval, everything is now on hold. My initial plan was to keep things as normal as possible, but I'm finding that difficult to maintain.

Not sure what answers I'm looking for, mostly Rambling I guess. I don't like not being able to fix everything. Not one bit.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:45   #2
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:48   #3
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Probably being up this late isn't helping matters.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:54   #4
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You just slowly accept it, but it doesn't hurt any less. When my Grandmother went to the Dr over a persistant back ache, she was diagnosed with cancer, and given 6 weeks, tops. I was closer to her, than my own parents, and it hit me unlike anything in my life ever had. Family told me that in the end, I would want her to go, and I thought they were nuts, no way could I ever get to that point. They were right, I was wrong. She made it 5 weeks, and passed the day before her birthday. For a couple weeks, I would go sit in her bedroom, and hope it was a just a bad dream, but unfortunately it wasn't. I eventually accepted the fact that she was gone, and focused on the good times. I still miss her badly, but can smile when thinking about her. Sorry you are going through this.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:55   #5
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Don't know which was worse. Dad died suddenly when I was 16. With mom we had a couple weeks notice. Both bad. In our prayers tonight. With your permission I will add your name to our temple prayer rolls also.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:56   #6
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I'm basically the last survivor in my biological family. I have seen it happen in all manners. either way is it's own form of torture. (something worse actually).

There is no way that's "better" than others there is no "easy" way.

My only advice, for what it is worth, is to really find out who your friends are by finding one who didn't know the departed at all and talk to them. It really does help to let it out with someone who isn't grieving as well, or doesn't have anything to add in terms of their own memories. That way you get to "exercise' the things that are foremost in your mind without interruption and without taking on their memories.

I hope that makes some sense.

My sympathy and good thoughts being sent out.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:57   #7
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We all deal with loss differently. Knowing or not, I look at it as part of life. I lost a lot of friends throughout High School and my dad's father in '99 and it hit me sort of hard. After that I accepted everyone dies and while I will miss them, they had a good life and I was glad I could be part of it. My paternal grandmother passed in 04 and I cried once, but loved every moment I spent with her and will always cherish her strength. My maternal grandfather died last month. I saw him 15 minutes before he died after 5 hours in the car.

I cannot speak for losing a parent or child, and to that end I am sure my current method of dealing will go out the window.

Just know that you have the right to feel however you feel and if you need to scream, shout, cry, hide in a corner, it's ok. Do what you need to do for you. There are lots of folks here for you, some of which I am sure you know well enough to talk privately with. I wish I had better words of wisdom, but I am just not that deep.

Lots of hugs Mrs. VR
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:57   #8
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Its normal to be distraught under those circumstances. There's no magic wand to wave and make it better. There are things you can do that make it worse though, such as using drugs or alcohol or going into denial or shutting off emotionally. You just have to be strong and work it out without doing anything to make it worse like so many people get trapped doing. It sucks but that's about it, you gotta deal with it sooner or later and try to do it in a healthy way. I'd suggest vigorous physical exercise or hard physical labor as outlets for some of the emotions. Regards.
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Old 04-13-2013, 23:57   #9
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Hope you can get some rest. I'm very sorry, S. Anything I can do, let me know.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:17   #10
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Thanks, all, Batesmotel, absolutely. My mom and I have often agreed that we don't mind WHO is praying for us, regardless of religion, a positive thought is always welcome.


My favorite pic of my parents ( I posted this years ago. Judging by hair length, it must be just after her first go round with cancer;

The Okie Corral
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:18   #11
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IMHO, a "natural" death is much easier to accept and deal with but it's still an agonizing event.

We're currently dealing with a member of our family having a terminal illness and I can fully sympathize with your situation.

Making sure that they have anything they want or need and keeping them as comfortable, and as pain free as possible is about all anyone can do.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:22   #12
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i know i'm not usually the most useful poster on this forum but i think i might actually be able to help here.

pick 1 trustworthy person as your anchor and keep them close at all times until the situation has passed. this person is your crutch, your rock, and your sounding board so let them know what they are in for because the 2 of you are going to be working in shifts. while you're handling stuff he/she will be breaking down behind the scenes, then while you are breaking down behind the scenes he/she will be handling stuff. don't try to handle too much by yourself.

and now to be funny, sweety you're a gng mod, if you can handle us you can handle anything.

back to the seriousness now. we're all here for you so vent, rave, rant, or ask for advice. whatever you need we'll give everything we got to help.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:28   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEER View Post
i know i'm not usually the most useful poster on this forum but i think i might actually be able to help here.

pick 1 trustworthy person as your anchor and keep them close at all times until the situation has passed. this person is your crutch, your rock, and your sounding board so let them know what they are in for because the 2 of you are going to be working in shifts. while you're handling stuff he/she will be breaking down behind the scenes, then while you are breaking down behind the scenes he/she will be handling stuff. don't try to handle too much by yourself.

and now to be funny, sweety you're a gng mod, if you can handle us you can handle anything.

back to the seriousness now. we're all here for you so vent, rave, rant, or ask for advice. whatever you need we'll give everything we got to help.
I think you just described me and my dad. We seem to be taking things in turns. See, though, that's another thing, I've always been a "daddy's" girl, and it absolutely destroys me to see him sad/hurt/upset, etc. my parents have been married for 55 years. That is just mind boggling these days. How do you go on without your partner after more than half a century? I'm note seeing any end to this tunnel of hell we seem to in. Maybe it's like some warped NASCAR track and we are just going to spin in circles indefinitely.

The rational part of my brain knows time heals all wounds. The rest of my brain is, apparently, having my aforementioned breakdown tonight. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I know.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:31   #14
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http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr...heory-20130407

Hope this helps. Dump out, comfort in.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:31   #15
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Ok, I give up for now. Gonna go downstairs and have some (attmanns - you Baltimore ppl will understand) corned beef, drink some taro rest tea and maybe read a trashy novel for a bit. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 04-14-2013, 00:54   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. VR View Post
I think you just described me and my dad. We seem to be taking things in turns. See, though, that's another thing, I've always been a "daddy's" girl, and it absolutely destroys me to see him sad/hurt/upset, etc. my parents have been married for 55 years. That is just mind boggling these days. How do you go on without your partner after more than half a century? I'm note seeing any end to this tunnel of hell we seem to in. Maybe it's like some warped NASCAR track and we are just going to spin in circles indefinitely.

The rational part of my brain knows time heals all wounds. The rest of my brain is, apparently, having my aforementioned breakdown tonight. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I know.
I read this and I understand what you're going through. Like your parents, my mom and dad have been married for 55 years.

My dad has cancer and it keeps coming back, but they are running out of treatments for him. My mom may have an autoimmune disorder and has some strange results w/her blood work - hopefully we find out what's wrong w/her.

My mom is worried about my dad. My dad is worried about my mom. I'm worried about them both. It's hard watching them go through all of this and feeling helpless. I know I'm doing everything I can for them, but in my heart I feel it's not enough.

Living with them and going through this is tough. I used to be stoic in front of them, but it takes a lot of energy hide those emotions. As this goes on, my emotions seem to be closer to the surface, than I'd like, but... crying in the shower gets things out for a while.

I feel for you, and I don't know how to put what I want to say into words. I'd give you a hug if I could.

Matt
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:05   #17
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I know it may not be much consolation at the moment but time is a great healer. It won't make the pain go away but time heals. Trust me I know. I lost my youngest sister and mother on Christmas eve when I was 13. It was hell but as time went by, it helped heal the wound. The scar is still there but the wound healed if you know what I mean.

You'll be in my prayers. Hang in there.

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Old 04-14-2013, 03:58   #18
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... time is a great healer. It won't make the pain go away but time heals. Trust me I know....

You'll be in my prayers. Hang in there.

Right-On, prayers help and time heals!
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:44   #19
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I liken the death of a loved one to walking face first into a telephone pole with no warning. At first it is just nothing but shock and pain and confusion and that damn pole and the pain is the entire world. Over time though you begin to see the person you have lost as a whole life again, not just their dying. After a while you can remember fun times, and funny times and even sad or unhappy times that aren't related to their dying. My father has been gone for 30 years and I still hate the memories of his illness and death, but I can now see him in my mind before he was ill, saying something funny, doing something he enjoyed or building something. Those memories help with the pain. Hold fast to who you are, don't let any anger you have at life transfer to the other people in your life and you can get through this. God bless you and your family.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:11   #20
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I lost both my parents, suddenly, within 5 months of each other. In both cases I participated in the decision to unplug them.

I was pretty messed up emotionally for a while (on the inside). Still functioning on the outside.

I have turned into a quiet hypochondriac (keep thinking every pain is cancer, heart problems, etc), and every now and then I get really sad at the littlest thing

Last 2 good dogs last year - one was my best friend. I get all teary eyed when I see a black and tan dachshund having fun and galloping around.

It gets harder, not easier.
I don't have any answers for you.
You just have to keep on "keepin on" when people depend on you. My obligations keep me together.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:25   #21
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:52   #22
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"Gonna go downstairs and have some (attmanns "

They still on Lombard Street? We lived in SW/Irvington in the '50s and early '60s, but my aunt was an RN at Hopkins and lived not too far from corned beef row.

After I retired last fall, I found a really good crabcake sandwich here in Richmond at a place out in the 'burbs. I meet friends there every Friday for lunch and finally talked to the cook last week. He's from Baltimore. Well that explains it.

It's never easy watching people die. I don't know what is more wearing on me, the sudden deaths, the few-weeks-to-live ones or folks like my mother who has sat in a wheelchair shaking for 5 years because the dementia ate her brain. She hasn't known me since '06 and only says a few words a year at random times. She'll be 89 in September.

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Old 04-14-2013, 06:00   #23
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I'm the worst at coming up with thoughtful things to say, but if you need to vent I'll be around. My inbox is open and you can always call if you need to.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:17   #24
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I'm so very sorry for you.

I wish I knew some words that would ease your pain, but I know none.

I wish I could give you some advice about what to do to ease your pain but I know nothing.

Time does dull the pain but the pain never goes away.
It's been over ten years since my Wife died and I was crying for her a couple days ago, as I am doing now.

There is no easy way to lose a loved one.

My Wife died suddenly. I didn't have time to say Goodbye. That wears on me.

My friend's Wife, my Wife's best friend, later died slowly and painfully over two years with cancer. A terrible way to die.


Just do the best you can and lean on your loved ones for support and support them.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:21   #25
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