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Old 12-20-2012, 21:06   #651
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Lincoln Shot First.



This is the best!
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Old 12-26-2012, 01:21   #652
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Sources confirm that a man in Colorado has been officially and formally reprimanded by his workplace supervisor for acts of flatulence (i.e., farting) while in the work place.

Records indicate that co-workers have been lodging complaints about the gaseous filled worker ever since he started with the company. After 29 years of offending co-workers at the office, the employee has been formally reprimanded this week.

When reached for comment, the supervisor initiating the reprimand, who had just been promoted to the higher position within the last week, advised that something finally had to be done about an employee whom had caused years upon years of disturbance at their workplace.

When ask to elaborate, the supervisor advised that the employee was made aware that no one would have cared about the common, loud iron skillet farts that can occur in any typical office setting, but some of his farts sounded like they were echoing off cast iron man hole covers.

Moreover, it was made known to the employee that everyone understands that a bullet-fart will creep into the workplace now and again, but then quickly dissipate; however, his numerous burnt clutch plate farts, and burning brake farts have forced the staff into only using artificial plants near his cubicle.

Additionally, I told the employee that even management understood a Popcorn Machine fart or two during the day, but due to the echo effect from the work place cubicles, both his Arkansas Barking Spider farts and his Chinese Firecracker farts makes all the veterans in the office jump for cover or hit the floor thinking they are once again being ambushed by insurgents firing multiple AK-47s.

Lastly, I reminded him that his idea of bringing a fan to the office only exasperated the problem. Also, his continued excuses, such as "playing the buttocks bassoon," "floating an air biscuit," "getting expelled from stool," "killing a canary," "letting Freddy out of jail," "roaring from the rear," "stepping on a duck," "tooting my own horn" and or "just following orders from Colonel Bowel" were not the proper way to deal with a serious problem.

The supervisor went on to add that now he now has 14 days in which to seek a medical evaluation in order to have the reprimand removed from his file.
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Old 01-07-2013, 23:24   #653
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Bud Haggart, who was Dodge Motors' chief research and development mechanic during the 70's, whom some long term Dodge executives also say was instrumental in winning Dodge Motors the coveted Drive Train of the Year award one year in a row over the period of 1976 to 1976, is still missing after parachuting out of a Goodyear blimp over the New Year's football weekend.

Once being highly applauded for his inventing the technologically advanced "Turbo Incabulator," he later lived as a recluse only coming outside for skydiving junkets or to collect his mail. Although the Turbo Incabulator never sold too well in the united States to the general public, the US Military awarded Dodge Motors a multibillion dollar contract for use of the device in almost all of its vehicles overseas which also required the utilization of Dodge's nover trunnions.

Many people do not know that Bud also successfully sued the C. W. Post cereal company for false advertising in 1979. He did so based on the fact that the company's much touted Grape Nuts Cereal, which he had eaten for years since a child, contains neither grapes, nor nuts in the box.

Bud, as his friends called him, or Mr. Haggart, as he demanded his subordinates call him, was a long time and avid skydiver. He is credited with making numerous skydives wearing only tennis shoes and a top hat.

Due to an onset of photophobia later in his life, there are no current graphic images available of Mr. Haggart; however, the Police have been distributing his old Dodge Motor's commercial to the public in hope of some help in finding him safe.




If you see this man, do NOT try to apprehend him, but please just call 1-555-555-5555.
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Old 02-18-2013, 16:11   #654
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Tous has discovered that Mrs. VR. did not actually get her big internet start in porn, but in fact, she became an online debutante by way of an upstart website known as S&WTalk.com., which a lot of people who had recently been discharged from A.O.L. errantly thought had porn site implications.
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"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 02-18-2013, 16:30   #655
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Tous has discovered that Mrs. VR. did not actually get her big internet start in porn, but in fact, she became an online debutante by way of an upstart website known as S&WTalk.com., which a lot of people who had recently been discharged from A.O.L. errantly thought had porn site implications.
Science is oft imprecise and messy.
As long as the truth comes out eventually, those toes that may have been accidentally trod upon need to stop crying, "Wee! Weee! Weee!" all the way home and be proud that they are the metatarsals that contributed to the total of knowledge.

Toes, I salute you!

As for Mrs. VR, I first encountered the titian-haired goddess on an early web site dedicated to recording annual snowfall in the greater Washington, D.C. area. Her work is still considered ground-breaking.
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Old 02-18-2013, 16:57   #656
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Science is oft imprecise and messy.
As long as the truth comes out eventually, those toes that may have been accidentally trod upon need to stop crying, "Wee! Weee! Weee!" all the way home and be proud that they are the metatarsals that contributed to the total of knowledge.

Toes, I salute you!

As for Mrs. VR, I first encountered the titian-haired goddess on an early web site dedicated to recording annual snowfall in the greater Washington, D.C. area. Her work is still considered ground-breaking.
Tous, you left me hanging on the other thread there butt-wipe! ....
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Old 02-18-2013, 17:02   #657
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It's all Samurai Rabbit's fault.
I am innocent!
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Old 02-18-2013, 17:04   #658
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It's all Samurai Rabbit's fault.
I am innocent!
Those dang samurai rabbits!
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"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
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Old 02-18-2013, 17:12   #659
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We should hunt them rabbits down and make good luck charms outta the lot of them!

Let's see 'em cause trouble with no feet!
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Old 02-18-2013, 17:34   #660
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We should hunt them rabbits down and make good luck charms outta the lot of them!

Let's see 'em cause trouble with no feet!
Brings back memories of the first Muppet Movie, with its French Home For Legless Frogs. Oh, the cruelty!
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Old 02-18-2013, 18:32   #661
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Having to choose between footless rabbits and legless frogs is daunting.
Perhaps a toss of the coin is warranted.
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Old 02-18-2013, 19:18   #662
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After some careful ponderment, I propose a dancing content between the footless rabbits and legless frogs to determine, once and for all, is the more pitiable creature.

Nominations for the contest music are now open.
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Old 02-18-2013, 20:06   #663
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Coca Cola was originally green.
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Old 02-18-2013, 20:54   #664
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After some careful ponderment, I propose a dancing content between the footless rabbits and legless frogs to determine, once and for all, is the more pitiable creature.

Nominations for the contest music are now open.
I suggest Bobby McFerrin's "Don't worry, be happy!"
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Old 02-19-2013, 00:20   #665
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I suggest Bobby McFerrin's "Don't worry, be happy!"
It's become painfully obvious that you've never attended any of Tous' lectures as far as knowing the differences between casing and a case as well as never having been part of an audience during any one of his world renowned symposia on understanding the major differences between the pine cone and the PIN code.

My good man, please educate yourself.
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Old 02-19-2013, 00:30   #666
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Not only did Danika Patrick win the pole for the 2013 Daytona 500, but she was also voted the best looking NASCAR driver in a bikini.

Although her car's owner, Tony "smoke" Stewart, has never won a Daytona 500 race, from his rookie year up till now he had always won the "best looking NASCAR driver in a bikini" contest. When reached for comment, smoke commented, "I hated that title and that's part of the reason I brought her to this team. The other part is that she drives better than me too."

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"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 02-19-2013, 00:31   #667
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My good man, please educate yourself.
If I were to educate myself, and therefore achieve competence, then people would just dump more work on me. I prefer my current status.
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Old 02-19-2013, 00:34   #668
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After some careful ponderment, I propose a dancing [contest] between the footless rabbits and legless frogs to determine, once and for all, is the more pitiable creature. ...
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“After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it.” - William S. Burroughs
"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
"You gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie?" - Josey Wales

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Old 02-19-2013, 00:40   #669
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If I were to educate myself, and therefore achieve competence, then people would just dump more work on me. I prefer my current status.
Your pillory derived from achieving competence is merely another part of your lot in life being a marsupial; however, if the aforementioned competence were achieved, it might supplement your apple-polishing ways with regards to your employer.
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"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:44   #670
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If I were to educate myself, and therefore achieve competence, then people would just dump more work on me. I prefer my current status.
Fear not, good sir.

Despite that we oft disgaree and you are, on rare occasion, a danged numpty, I would never stoop to accusing you of competence.

There are things that a gentleman just doesn't do.
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Old 02-19-2013, 07:50   #671
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Fear not, good sir.

Despite that we oft disgaree and you are, on rare occasion, a danged numpty, I would never stoop to accusing you of competence.

There are things that a gentleman just doesn't do.
I shall trot out an old standby.

Someone said you weren't fit for pigs, but I defended you. I said you WERE!
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Old 02-20-2013, 19:57   #672
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Fear not, good sir.

Despite that we oft disgaree and you are, on rare occasion, a danged numpty, I would never stoop to accusing you of competence.

There are things that a gentleman just doesn't do.


Quote:
Originally Posted by samurairabbi View Post
I shall trot out an old standby.

Someone said you weren't fit for pigs, but I defended you. I said you WERE!




(I learn so much from ewe too. )
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"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
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Old 02-21-2013, 17:16   #673
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Back to the Apollo start of this thread...

The shuttles which took the walkers to the moon surface were actually landed by dropping an anchor and reeling in the cable. At the same time they were unreeling a cable connecting the lander to the Apollo capsule which was in geosynchronous orbit above the landing site. When it was time to return the lander to the Apollo, they simply cranked it back up.


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Old 02-23-2013, 18:58   #674
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Back to the Apollo start of this thread...

The shuttles which took the walkers to the moon surface were actually landed by dropping an anchor and reeling in the cable. At the same time they were unreeling a cable connecting the lander to the Apollo capsule which was in geosynchronous orbit above the landing site. When it was time to return the lander to the Apollo, they simply cranked it back up.


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Look pal, this is MAKE up a fact, not tell the truth about the Apollo missions thread.

You see, I in fact worked for Zebco during the late 50's and early 60's, you know, Zebco, the same company that invented the the devices that cranked the lunar lander down and up.

Although I don't like to brag, I will say that I solved some very unique challenges with respect to the setting the correct drag amount on the cranking devices so as to not compromise the specially created snap swivel connected to the Command Module.

Matter of fact, if it weren't for the Apollo program, I dare say we wouldn't have the stainless steel, ball bearing snap swivels that are so common nowadays.
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"Nothing we're gonna do is going to fundamentally alter or eliminate the possibility of another mass shooting or guarantee that [our gun ban legislation] will bring gun deaths down..." - VPOTUS Joe Biden
"Love 'Em All!!! Let Jehovah sort 'em out." - The Holy Bible
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Old 02-23-2013, 19:57   #675
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Look pal, this is MAKE up a fact, not tell the truth about the Apollo missions thread.

You see, I in fact worked for Zebco during the late 50's and early 60's, you know, Zebco, the same company that invented the the devices that cranked the lunar lander down and up.
So the truth will out.
Peace Warrior is older than Dragoon44.

In fact, everyone knows of Zebco's contribution to the manned space program. It is a commonly-known fact that as a contingency if the lunar module engine did not fire, Michael Collins had a Zebco reel on a big ol' pole that he would have used to cast down to the lunar surface, hook the lander and reel them in.
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