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Old 11-17-2009, 01:45   #1301
Lone_Wolfe
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My doc was pretty cool this morning.

When I woke up this morning I noticed it was later than I expected to be woke up. My doc explained that a rain front had rolled in and he thought he'd leave me knocked out until it got here at least.

Thanks doc!
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:02   #1302
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Hiya LW honey
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:20   #1303
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^^^ Okie is in love. Thats cool.
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:28   #1304
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You know 23Skidoo, Iím starting to wonder about youÖ.. I mean, any guy who would want anything to do with me right now has GOT to have snakes in his headÖ..









NO!!!



I know youíre right. I need to start talking about this crap inside me again. I can tell thereís still a bunch that needs to come out. I just donít want to. I donít want to think about it, donít want to face it, donít want to feel it. I know itís going to come out before long, and what a bad idea it is to stuff it away and pretend itís not there.




Iíve always been one to think about something until I understand and then I can find the place for it in my mind where it fits. Thatís just my way of making peace with things that happen in my life. To me at least, this is major enough that I need to give myself a little time to sort it all out in my mind. Once I do that Iíll hopefully really accept everything about it, whether I like it or not. These last few days Iíve tried to push it aside a lot to give myself a break, but itís still there waiting and makes sure I know it. This part of me is nothing new, Iíve always had to pick things apart and analyze them. I guess thatís why I went into working on computers.

But I wonít be thinking about it tonight, Iíll be sleeping. Night everyone, Iíve off the see the veterinarian.
You needn't worry about me ma'am; no snakes in the noggin. Gentle ones my dear.
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:07   #1305
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Hiya LW honey
Hiya sweetie. back


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^^^ Okie is in love. Thats cool.
Nope, just a friend. Now if I looked like SouthernGal he might fall in love...


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You needn't worry about me ma'am; no snakes in the noggin. Gentle ones my dear.
You sure about that? And you sure you don't mind the snakes in mine?

Glad those are gentle, it's been a long rainy day here. I knew it was going to be a bad one when my doctor left me asleep for an extra hour and a half because he said his elbow was really barking at him bad this morning.

I would have never known just HOW MUCH MUD a half inch of rain could make....
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:21   #1306
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:21   #1307
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:22   #1308
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:22   #1309
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:23   #1310
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awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:50   #1311
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[/IMG]


Cuuuute! Now do me a favor and hold a Siameeesie upo to the monitor so I can scratch his head.

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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:54   #1312
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Originally Posted by Lone_Wolfe View Post
Cuuuute! Now do me a favor and hold a Siameeesie upo to the monitor so I can scratch his head.

Okie Memorial Area
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Old 11-17-2009, 13:59   #1313
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Where did you find that one? I hope he likes the bridge of his nose rubbed like kitties I've had do.
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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Old 11-17-2009, 16:24   #1314
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Hi LW. I tried attaching a photo of my Himilayan, Reagan. I don't know if it will work, but try touching the attachment "paper clip." She is just so dear and I have tried copy and paste without it working.
I hope you are doing as well as you sound. It is very encouraging, dear friend. We are not going to stop praying, though.
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Old 11-17-2009, 16:38   #1315
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Where did you find that one? I hope he likes the bridge of his nose rubbed like kitties I've had do.
Google. I cheated.
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Old 11-17-2009, 17:39   #1316
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Well, as a software engineer, I understand where you're coming from. But we ain't talking 1's and 0's here, we're talking human.

You need to realize that you may never get all the answers you want. So you need to look at some things and acknowledge that and move on. Why you lived through those first hours and days is one of those things. You did. Let the why's and how's go, and move on with what you can solve.

And that is also a part of the analyzing, just not one that sits well in our 1 and 0 digital world.

Hawk
You and Critias are right, I do overthink it a bit. But not because I expect to find answer to impossible questions, but to make enough sense of it that I can accept both the known and unknown. So with that in mind Iíve still been letting that bounce around my head for a few days. Not that I could have pushed it away forever even if I tried.

I know Iíll never really know why Iím still here, not completely anyway. Some combination of me, a medic, and some doctors and nurses not giving up, a lot of luck, and maybe God has something in mind for me. Hell, maybe the devil just isnít ready for me yet! I hope to someday discover the reason I was kept here, hopefully to do something worthwhile. I also hope that Iíll start really being glad I got through those hours and days somehow. Given time I may.



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Nobody mashes a chest for four hours straight without some kind of a sign that the mashee is responding somehow. In other words, you were fighting then, you just needed a lot of help - which he gave you - as did the doctors and nurses later. While your body might have had problems, you mind was still in the battle, or he'd have quit.

And what makes you such a superwoman that you're not allowed the normal human reactions to what has happened to you? Everybody feels like curling up in a ball and giving up when bad things happen. Some even do for a short time, then get back in the fight.

Winners are not those who never loose. Winners are those who keep getting up after being knocked down. Winners even think to themselves, "If I just lay here, this'll be over." Then they get up.

The negative thoughts and temptations are a normal reaction to what you have gone through. The questions are normal.

You remind me of something that happened with my daughter when she was younger. She wanted a cat, and me, being a dog person, didn't want anything to do with a cat in the house. So I told her she could get a cat if she earned enough money to get it spayed and declawed. That said, dad goes off to work confident that he has solved the problem without saying "no."

So my daughter goes out hunting jobs - raking leaves, whatever, determined to get her cat.

Dad comes home from work a couple of days later and there sits Snowball, declawed, neutered, and making friends with the dogs. A lady my daughter asked for work asked why such a little girl (grown she's 5') was trying to earn money. And gave her a cat that fit the rules dad had laid down. We had her for 13 years.


The point of the story (aside not trying to outthink kids) is that she didn't take the expected route, but she got where she was going anyway. Just the same as you have. You might not have gotten where you are by the "expected" route, but you got there. Accept it, enjoy it and move on from there. As Critias said, you can way overthink the situation.

Hawk

Snowball.
You know, I spent most of the last 11 months thinking the same thing Silent_Runner voiced on this, that I or my body had essentially given up and had to be forced back until the doctors were able to get me stabilized. But you have a point here, I had to respond, even if just for short periods of time to give the medic reason to mash some more the next time my heart quit. When it first hit me that my life had been in the hands of man and machine I just accepted that I had been 100% reliant on both to still be alive. Maybe thatís not quite the case and I was only 95% reliant on them. Not that it really matters, I needed them and that was the realization I needed to come to and it hit me like a huge baseball bat when I did. My Louisville Slugger or Easton couldnít compare. I really think that was the first big hurdle I had to overcome, and so did my shrink. Iím still not sleeping much on my off nights. (Itís 0300 now) But Iím not having the same damn recurring nightmare that was so bad I woke crying or screaming every time.

And I like your version.... it makes me feel just a bit less weak.

Iím still having nightmares, but theyíre different. I have hope that with the help of my shrink and all of you I can figure these out and get past them too. I know Iím still blocking things out, pushing them away. I was feeling really down today but just wouldnít let myself think about why. I know the pain from the injury being aggravated by cold and rain makes that worse, but I just remind myself that this first winter will be the worst. That was the case when I broke my leg years ago, so it had BETTER be the case now.

Well, faawrenchbndr tried to convince me Iím Wonder Woman, so why not? (BTW, faawrenchbndr, Iím still waiting on that PM) Maybe the reason Iím not ďallowingĒ myself these thoughts and feelings is I donít know whatís normal anymore. With most of my thoughts being negative itís hard to know whatís normal and whatís not. It doesnít help that the shrink I had when I first got here kept saying ďYou shouldnít feel that wayĒ. Or ďYou shouldnít be thinking things like that whenever I would tell him how I was feeling, especially when I told him about someone dying trying to get to me. As bad as I feel saying this I felt some relief when he died in May. I know thatís an awful thing to say.

When Iíve had bad things happen before Iíve ďcurled up in a ballĒ and wanted to quit, but never so badly or for so long. If itís really normal to feel this way then maybe that and the temptations will pass. I think a little bit has in the last couple weeks, but I still have a long ways to go. I sure donít feel normal.

I must say that I donít quite understand your analogy with your daughter, at least not yet. It may come to me yet. But she did think it out and think it out well. I really enjoyed reading this and how she worked for what she wanted. And Snowball was a beautiful cat who had a life with someone who really wanted and appreciated him. Please donít take offense but I thought Silent_Runnerís comment about ďshowing youĒ was funny. I think you raised her well.

One thing I get from what she did though is instead of just accepting that you didnít want a cat she ďoverthoughtĒ it and figured out a way.

back
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
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Old 11-17-2009, 17:45   #1317
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Old 11-17-2009, 18:08   #1318
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Okie Memorial Area
So, is that a cute seal pup nuzzling Mom?

Or did the pup kill Mom and is getting ready to eat her?

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Old 11-17-2009, 21:06   #1319
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...Winners are not those who never loose. Winners are those who keep getting up after being knocked down. Winners even think to themselves, "If I just lay here, this'll be over." Then they get up.
...
Well said.

LW, it sounds like the part that scares you the most is the part where someone else could have chosen to quit, and your 5% or 10% wouldn't have been enough to pull you through on your own.

And I don't have a better answer for that then the insane/beautiful thing that is the human experience. Fact is, we depend on other people to do right by us, to some degree, every day. Anyone who has been out under the knife for some complex surgery has had that experience in which their survival depended on someone else doing their job well. Every time we hit the highway our survival depends on a combination of our defensive driving and everyone else's driving skills.

At some point, it would drive us nuts to think of all the things that someone else could do to punch our ticket, though, and you just have to trust that "The universe is unfolding as it should." You do the best you can with the things that are within your "sphere of control" and let the other things take care of themselves.

Probably easier to say that to do, however...
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Old 11-17-2009, 21:40   #1320
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....
  1. Doesn't have snakes in his own head........
  2. Isn't afraid of the snakes in my head..... is even helping me get rid of them..........
  3. Likes cats..........
  4. Seem to remember him proposing to me back in the ago..........

Works for me!
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Old 11-17-2009, 22:10   #1321
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Oy Oy Oy Oy Oy.............

Hope you got some restorative sleep!! It's sloppy 8:30pm here, so I'm guessing it's something like 8:30am or so there?

Well, let's see - on my mind: About those "snakes"..........
Bad news Little One, but we ALL have 'em........ women, men, whatever. Yup, we do. But what would be the alternative? Rodents, instead, or maybe worms, or toe rot, banche birds, dirty laundry? Oh, and about this concept of "normal"....... here's my take on that: "normal" is whatever seems reasonable at the time to the person making the evaluation, at the time, all relative of course, and all that. Kind of like a sliding scale on the great measurement of life, reality, whatever the latter IS, of course, which is also relative.

As for my Oy Oy Oy............ argharoooooooo......... such a long day today and yesterday, on my end. Gotta tell ya though, I know NO other 5 year olds that would have such patience with a 4-hr. total jaunt between leaving for the autism doc, being AT the autism doc's, and having neither melt-down or tizzy fit - and I'm talking a 5 yo WITH autism, much less a neurotypical 5 yo.

So how's it going thus far this morning? :::::::smooch:::::::::
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Old 11-17-2009, 23:51   #1322
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When I woke up this morning I noticed it was later than I expected to be woke up. My doc explained that a rain front had rolled in and he thought he'd leave me knocked out until it got here at least.

Thanks doc!
Wow! Theres a Blues hit in there:

"When I woke up this mornin'
later than I thought it'd be
doc said "hard rain rolled in-
and I thought I'd let you be..."

Below is a message from my cousin, an expatriate Vietnam Vet, and a deacon at his small church- in Perth, AUS. (Both names obscured for security reasons)

"T$%## N@!%$":
"S%@^!@" is on our prayer list! Nothing is too difficult for God."
Barry"

And me, I'm still here hollerin' for my Sister!
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Old 11-18-2009, 03:13   #1323
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Cuuuute! Now do me a favor and hold a Siameeesie upo to the monitor so I can scratch his head.

I'll try and hold ones head in the scanner later and send it to you



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Old 11-18-2009, 06:33   #1324
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You and Critias are right, I do overthink it a bit. But not because I expect to find answer to impossible questions, but to make enough sense of it that I can accept both the known and unknown. So with that in mind I’ve still been letting that bounce around my head for a few days. Not that I could have pushed it away forever even if I tried.

I know I’ll never really know why I’m still here, not completely anyway. Some combination of me, a medic, and some doctors and nurses not giving up, a lot of luck, and maybe God has something in mind for me. Hell, maybe the devil just isn’t ready for me yet! I hope to someday discover the reason I was kept here, hopefully to do something worthwhile. One reason is some of the posts here that mention how your fight has encouraged them. I also hope that I’ll start really being glad I got through those hours and days somehow. Given time I may.





You know, I spent most of the last 11 months thinking the same thing Silent_Runner voiced on this, that I or my body had essentially given up and had to be forced back until the doctors were able to get me stabilized. But you have a point here, I had to respond, even if just for short periods of time to give the medic reason to mash some more the next time my heart quit. When it first hit me that my life had been in the hands of man and machine I just accepted that I had been 100% reliant on both to still be alive. Maybe that’s not quite the case and I was only 95% reliant on them. Not that it really matters, I needed them and that was the realization I needed to come to and it hit me like a huge baseball bat when I did. My Louisville Slugger or Easton couldn’t compare. Well, there goes SR's power over you! I really think that was the first big hurdle I had to overcome, and so did my shrink. I’m still not sleeping much on my off nights. (It’s 0300 now) But I’m not having the same damn recurring nightmare that was so bad I woke crying or screaming every time. Any progress is good, even if it is slow.

And I like your version.... it makes me feel just a bit less weak.

I’m still having nightmares, but they’re different. I have hope that with the help of my shrink and all of you I can figure these out and get past them too. I know I’m still blocking things out, pushing them away. I was feeling really down today but just wouldn’t let myself think about why. I know the pain from the injury being aggravated by cold and rain makes that worse, but I just remind myself that this first winter will be the worst. That was the case when I broke my leg years ago, so it had BETTER be the case now.

Well, faawrenchbndr tried to convince me I’m Wonder Woman, so why not? (BTW, faawrenchbndr, I’m still waiting on that PM) Maybe the reason I’m not “allowing” myself these thoughts and feelings is I don’t know what’s normal anymore. With most of my thoughts being negative it’s hard to know what’s normal and what’s not. It doesn’t help that the shrink I had when I first got here kept saying “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Sounds like HE needed a bat to the head. My response would have been, "But I am, you (fill in the explitive of your choice)! And you're supposed to help me out of it, not condemn me!" Or “You shouldn’t be thinking things like that whenever I would tell him how I was feeling, especially when I told him about someone dying trying to get to me. As bad as I feel saying this I felt some relief when he died in May. I know that’s an awful thing to say.

When I’ve had bad things happen before I’ve “curled up in a ball” and wanted to quit, but never so badly or for so long. If it’s really normal to feel this way then maybe that and the temptations will pass. I think a little bit has in the last couple weeks, but I still have a long ways to go. I sure don’t feel normal. Why should you feel normal? What you are going through is "normal" for your situation. It ain't normal for an IT person in a Fortune 500 company. Don't confuse the two. Just recognize that your reactions and feelings are the same as many people who have gone through very traumatic experiences. Sometimes keeping in mind that you aren't the only one to go through such times can help.

I must say that I don’t quite understand your analogy with your daughter, at least not yet. It may come to me yet. But she did think it out and think it out well. I really enjoyed reading this and how she worked for what she wanted. The idea was that she didn't get there by the "expected" way, but that she got there. You need to worry less about how you got where you are and just move on. Although it sounds like you are starting to do that. And Snowball was a beautiful cat who had a life with someone who really wanted and appreciated him. Please don’t take offense but I thought Silent_Runner’s comment about “showing you” was funny. I think you raised her well. Heck! I laughed about it for a week afterward. Still do on ocasion.

One thing I get from what she did though is instead of just accepting that you didn’t want a cat she “overthought” it and figured out a way. It wasn't so much that she overthought it, but when presented with an opportunity to more quickly reach her goal, she grabbed it and didn't look back.

: hugs : back
Love, prayers and gentle

Hawk
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:40   #1325
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Location: This side of a tombstone
Posts: 26,429


Quote:
Originally Posted by MB-G26 View Post
Okie Memorial Area


: tease:
outtahere:
Now that's funny!


Quote:
Originally Posted by MB-G26 View Post
Hope you got some restorative sleep!! It's sloppy 8:30pm here, so I'm guessing it's something like 8:30am or so there?

Well, let's see - on my mind: About those "snakes"..........
Bad news Little One, but we ALL have 'em........ women, men, whatever. Yup, we do. But what would be the alternative? Rodents, instead, or maybe worms, or toe rot, banche birds, dirty laundry? ; ) Oh, and about this concept of "normal"....... here's my take on that: "normal" is whatever seems reasonable at the time to the person making the evaluation, at the time, all relative of course, and all that. Kind of like a sliding scale on the great measurement of life, reality, whatever the latter IS, of course, which is also relative.

As for my Oy Oy Oy............ argharoooooooo......... such a long day today and yesterday, on my end. Gotta tell ya though, I know NO other 5 year olds that would have such patience with a 4-hr. total jaunt between leaving for the autism doc, being AT the autism doc's, and having neither melt-down or tizzy fit - and I'm talking a 5 yo WITH autism, much less a neurotypical 5 yo.

So how's it going thus far this morning? :::::::smooch:::::::::
How's it going? Had to see my shrink this morning and didnít accomplish ****, had physical therapy (ouch!), had a busy afternoon, for the past hour+ I've been wishing I had a gun so I could shoot a server, or at least hold it at gunpoint. But knock on wood, it's working at the moment. And I got about 2 1/2 hours last night. Better than I had been getting, so I'll take it.

Ya know, I think maybe snakes are better than some of the options you listed, especially rats. I hate rats.... and I might think I was the normal one here if the crap in my head seemed at all reasonable. I would just think everyone else was crazy. But I know better.......

So the little cutie was an angel too? I know of very few kids that age who wouldn't have us pulling our hair out. How'd you get so lucky?

Real big gentle

Think I'll get the hot water bottle out now........
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To those who have made the ultimate sacrifice while defending American freedom, you will not be forgotten.

RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
RIP Jeff (23Skidoo) - 1962-2012 and Gloria (Silent_Runner) - 1964-2013
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
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