Thanks To EVERYONE!!!
As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
About the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
What has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
Because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
The floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
Every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
Full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
Freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
Water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
It can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
Seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
Me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
Me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan...
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
Big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
Death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
There by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
On your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet...
Now you have yourself a very good day—If you can...
Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.