CLM Number 226
Join Date: May 2006
Location: This side of a tombstone
Originally Posted by Beware Owner
Still don't think you're strong, even after having attained a nickname like that? You have a whole hospital surprised at your ability to come back....
You probably can't figure it out because what you think you're not denying is something you simply haven't understood yet. I believe you may be looking the wrong way to figure out those dreams, and, if I may, somehow it seems that your answer lies below:
You know when I make the comment about not feeling strong I mean it more from a mental standpoint than physical. And because of how long it's taken to recuperate. Iím too damn old for this crap. A younger person could have bounced back a lot quicker than I have. BTW, it's not just folks at the hospital that thought I wouldn't make it. I think the medic that took care of me hates me.
I partly agree with you about the cause of the nightmares. I have no doubt that contributes. So does the meds I was on until just recently. But 2 shrinks donít think this is the mail cause and they do have one advantage here. Theyíve both heard graphic descriptions of the nightmares. I donít post the details here because I donít want to make anyone who might be squeamish uncomfortable, but in this case I think the shrinks are onto something.
He willingly sacrificed his life to save yours. Key word, willingly. You didn't know it was happening, but he had your back. I'm sure you or anybody else in his place would've done the same. Instead of being mad or feeling guilty, which I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel, check this, feel happy. Why? Although it may sound counterintuitive, feel happy because that's what he would've wanted. He wanted you to live, and here you are. Honor him. Give him what he gave his life for, your happy life! There's no bigger love than he who gives his life for his friends. That's in a good book I like to read. I know that if I had given my life for you, and you were feeling guilty, shoot, I'd be coming back to let you know, don't do it! That's not what I died for! You didn't kill him, so you should thank him and give him back what he gave his life for. That part that feels blame for it must go. He died for you to live, and live happy, honor him. Live and be happy.
When my adoptive mother died, I cut my hair and took my loops off. She said that wasn't what a christian man should look like. I disagreed with her, but, to this day, my hair will stay short and nothing shall enter my earlobes, out of respect, this is my way of honoring her in my life. That's what she would've wanted. She was terminally ill with cancer, and she was fighting it to the bitter end because she wanted to see me one last time. Due to hard economic times, I couldn't go, so I sent someone in my name. When they walked in her room, the first thing that came out of their mouth was that the were coming in representation of me. Mind you, this lady had been almost comatose for months. Her eyes opened, her heart rate went up, moved her hand, and, by the end of the speech, she passed. All she was waiting for was one last goodbye from me. She fought death and life for it, how could I let that continue? I received the call while the heart monitor was flat, so I knew. From that day till now, I've embodied everything she taught me. She would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up, heck, he didn't give up at all! He fought life and death too! You owe it to him to fight harder, for the both of you.
Part of the frustration I feel is that his coming after me didnít change anything except to get him killed. He didnít even get to me. As strange as it sounds I know it would have been easier if he had actually had saved me. I know he wouldnít want me to be upset or to blame myself, any more than Iíd want anyone else to blame themselves if Iíd been the one to try to help them. I'm doing better than I was in dealing with this, but I still get hung up on it sometimes. Itís just hard to put it aside. A part of me wonders why anyone would get themselves killed to save me. Iím no one special. But trust me, Iím fighting. Now that Iíve had a couple weeks off all the meds the docs had me on my head is beginning to clear and I think itís starting to get easier to fight off the darkest thoughts. I do know a lot of that was drug induced, but now Iím wondering just how much of it was.
Reading about your Mom gave me goose bumps. That is so awesome how she held out and was able see your surrogate. What a strong lady. And what a role model she was! Iím sure she is so proud of you, earrings or no earrings.
We have to give back, and I make sure to think and pray for you daily. Really, not just words, but take the time to do it. You have given to all of us. You're special to all of us.
Do you know that we're our own worse judges? We're usually much harsher with ourselves than most the rest of the world. Also, beauty is at the eye of the beholder, sooooo....if we say you're strong and special, git over it! This is how we see you. To be selfish is to do things that only benefit yourself, but, in helping others, this is obviously not the case. To feel like you're selfish for feeling good about helping someone else only serves to further prove your abnegation. Case closed, your honor! Listen, we all fail. Big whoop. Sue me. What matters is if we recognize that and move on to do the right thing. What makes you good is your desire to do good. In my eyes, you're a hero. A true to life living legend hero
I think we have to judge ourselves harder than others. Holding ourselves to a higher standard keeps us in line. Earlier you said that you couldnít find any posts where Iíd written something that either had a hidden meaning or agenda, any evil feelings/motive of any sort. Donít make me out to be someone Iím not. Iím no saint. Although itís not usual for me I have posted in anger before. Iíve been in a couple arguments on here. And there are lots of people on here that just plain dislike me. In some of those cases I know why, but other times I donít. I do try to be nice to people on here and even help when I can. I will say that Iím not evil here or in person. But I really donít consider myself a hero.
Good! Then that means that what we're doing is working. You have a spirit, we all do. We're probably closer to you than to most people who surround us. Hopefully you'll much more of those visions as time passes, and have them become a reality. We're all with you every step of the way.
Iíd love to have more visions (hallucinations ?) like that one I had a few days ago. Last night right as I was falling asleep I thought I felt a hand touch mine but it was so quick Iím not sure. When that stuff theyíre using to make me sleep takes over thereís no making it wait while I look around. The thought of having some of you stand by me while I sleep is somehow comforting. I canít find the words to tell you how much your support means to me. And it is helping, I have no doubt.
And I would love to meet you too.
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RIP my friends Greg and Florence, see you again on the other side.
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